Losing my Spark?

I went to my typical 6:00am Tuesday practice and I just feel stuck. I'm not sure what's going on with me right now but I feel like I can't do anything right. Not a single spin was centered today and with as many loop-loop combos as I did you would think that at least one of them would have a crossed free leg on the second jump. Nada.

I know that this is only temporary and I keep reminding myself that I've progressed so much since this time last year but that only makes me feel like 5% better about all of this.

There is such a disconnect between what my brain says and what my body actually does and it's so frustrating. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and to just keep plugging away at all of this but it's hard because I don't want to let anyone down, including myself.

I really wish I could turn off that part of my brain that over analyzes everything and instead just feel the elements. When Christopher told me to "think less" a couple of weeks ago, he had a point. I'm so much in my head that it's blocking any progress. If I could just channel my inner 7 year old and just "do the things" I would be better off. I mean, I never see any of the younger skaters thinking terribly hard about stuff. They just...skate.

Anyway, I'm just venting. I'm frustrated with myself and I want to do a better job at all of this but it seems as though the harder I try the worse things get. Maybe I need to explore options for meditating or get in touch with a sport psychologist. But I need to figure something out soon because the competition is in, what, six weeks? No pressure at all...

The Lap of Shame

Lesson today and boy was it rough!

Jumpz - We started by looking at the loop-loop combo and I'm still not crossing my free leg on the second loop. We fussed around with my arms a bit and that seemed to help things along but I'm still not completely crossed. I'm practicing this at home on the floor and it's fine there but on the ice it's still not happening. This is frustrating.

Programz - We ran the program earlier in our lesson to avoid the crowds so that was nice. After my awesome run through on Monday, I was excited to show him what I could do...except I fell on the first jump (the loop-loop combo) and that kinda set the tone for the whole thing. Even though I got right back up after the fall, I felt like I was playing catch up the whole time and, because I was rushing, everything was super sloppy. I skated up to him afterwards in defeat and he immediately told me to take a lap. Personally, I think he was just so aghast at how terrible that all was that he needed some time to collect his thoughts before talking to me about it. It's been a while since I've felt like this much of a disappointment. I have skated sloppy programs before but that one fall just destroyed any ability I had to recover. I'm honestly kind of scared now about this happening in competition. Will I falter then too? After my lap of shame I apologized to him once more and then we got to work on making corrections. He had me skate the program again and it went better and then we did a couple more half-programs to work on specific things. He also instructed me to expand things out toward the boards more to make better use of the whole surface of the ice. Something to work on.

I know I have it in me to skate a clean program, I just hope he doesn't think I'm not ready or that I haven't been practicing. It was an off day. I'll just work harder next time.

I have a dream!

I had the day off from work because of MLK Day so I got to skate an afternoon adult session which is always refreshing.

Compulsoriez - I ran this a couple of times just to keep it under my feet. It's clean.

Jumpz - I practiced all of my program jumps in isolation but spent a lot of time on the toe loop. Christopher pointed out that part of my problem (besides the typical rushing) is that I am picking in way behind myself so it's forcing me to pre-rotate and, as a result, I end up with a toe waltz. If I pick in more to my left, the jump is slightly more proper and it actually feels easier. I also did a bunch of salchows with a focus on slowing them way the hell down. Finally, loop-loop combos. I'm still flamingo-ing the second loop. He told me to practice them on the floor with a crossed free leg, and I have been, but when I take it to the ice, it's still a flamingo. This is going to take some time.

Spinz - I really should have included some backspins but I really just wasn't in the mood. But I feel like I made some strides with the attitude spin, though! They were mostly centered today and I feel like I had my free leg up where it should be. Sit spins were hit or miss.

Footworkz - I spent a good chunk of my time on footwork. I'm terrified of getting to the competition and stumbling through this so I want to get it to the point where this is the strongest point in my program. I did a lot of those exercises where I do twizzles down the length of the rink. The problem spot in the footwork sequence isn't so much the twizzles but the step forward from the hydroblade move into the twizzle. I feel like I have to twist my body unnaturally coming out of that just to get in a good position for the twizzle. But that exercise actually helped a lot. It feels quite a bit better now.

Programz - After all that work, once I was sufficiently pooped, I ran the program. Guys...I skated a clean program! I landed everything, spins were good, footwork felt great, and I ended on time with the music!!! I think it helped that there were only like five people sharing the ice with me so I didn't have to worry about running into small children who lack situational awareness. I felt strong and, for the first time since we started with this new program, I feel confident that I might just be able to pull this off. I'm a force (eh?) to be reckoned with! There's no stopping me now!

Check, please!

Lesson today!

We started off with twizzles since that is what I was working on when he got on the ice. He had me do an exercise where I do my 1 1/2 twizzle three times in a row down the length of the ice. I've discovered that it's easier for me to get used to the push under this way. Twizzles didn't feel as sketchy as they have been. They felt nice today, actually.

Jumpz - Next up were program jumps. We worked a bit on the toe loop since I'm still cheating it. If I may quote him directly, he said "try less," proving that I am overthinking once again. When I slow it down, I can get the proper glide through and it just feels easier but when I put in maximum effort to get it right, I get it wrong every time. Stupid brain. He also reminded me to do a stronger check and don't reach up so high with my free leg before picking in. Salchow was next. I really need a much stronger check on that BI edge before getting up into the jump. Loop-loop combo was kind of a disaster today. The first loop is fine but I'm still having a difficult time crossing my free leg in front on the second loop. I gotta keep plugging away at this. Then he surprised me by asking for a flip jump. Yikes! I haven't touched this in like three weeks. However, I was able to reel one off for him and I consider it a small victory that his only comment was to cross the free leg in front more. I'm sure it wasn't perfect but it got around and it was landed on one foot so I'll take it. Overall, I need to make sure I do a strong check on ALL of my jumps. I rush everything but when I check, things tend to go better.

Programz - By the time we decided to run through the program, there was nearly 30 skaters on the ice, most of them small children skating at lower levels. Needless to say, it was a disaster. Nobody noticed that I was wearing the sash and they weren't paying attention to where I was going so nobody really moved out of my way. I spent more time abandoning elements and bobbing and weaving than I did actually trying to do the program. It was a test of survival! Christopher promised we'll run the program earlier next time when there are fewer skaters on the ice. Scary. But my spins felt good and I ended on time despite it being a mess overall.

A cornucopia of skills

As the title of this post implies, I worked on pretty much everything this morning. One hour really doesn't seem like enough when I have so much to polish up. Ugh.

I got a sharpening over the weekend and, honestly, it's not the best. Something is wonky with the outside edge on my right blade. It's very scratchy and, when I was working on the circle 8 during my warm up, I could not get all the way around on the RFO circle. I've never been unable to get around on the RFO. I tried a harder push and nothing. I just peter out 3/4 of the way around. All the other edges are fine. I'm not sure what the problem is exactly but I think I'll suffer with the way it is and get another sharpening somewhere else a couple of weeks before the competition. There's a place in Littleton that I've heard good things about but it's a bit of a drive. Might be worth it though. The pro shop at my rink mostly does hockey stuff so more often then not, my sharpenings aren't the best but I accept it because, let's face it, I'm not a high level skater so what they usually do is usually good enough. Except this time. 

Movez - Besides the Circle 8 suck, the other moves are about as decent as they can be. I ran through all of them at least once. Everything feels fine for the most part.

Jumpz - I wanted to run through my program jumps in isolation so I could work on some of the issues that Christopher pointed out during our last lesson. I'm not sure anything really got better today but I worked on it. Mostly, I spent time slowing down the salchow and improving the glide through on my toe loop but I ran through the other jumps as well. Since my RO edge is exceedingly grippy after the sharpening, my loop jumps felt more stable so there's that, I guess. I also worked on the stag jump with more speed on the entry. Terrifying.

Spinz - Nothing fancy. I just worked on the sit spin and the attitude.

Compulsoriez - Yeah, I haven't touched this since my last competition back in September so I spent a good chunk of time getting it committed back to memory. The difference now is that I feel faster so I feel like it's well below the time limit. Or maybe I'm rushing things. That's more likely, I guess. Anyway, I need to remember to work on this each time I practice because it's one of my events for sectionals. I can't just let it slide. It's important too.

Programz - Chunks. Need I say more? But I did spend some time working on getting the footwork sequence more speedy and the ending more deliberate. Twizzles are still hit or miss but the push under into the ballet jump is better. Overall, it feels more comfortable.

Getting Stoned

Lessonz - Lesson today and we started with spin entries. It's been a while since he's tortured me with this so I figured I was due, right? I feel like my spins have been slightly better lately but there is still so much work to be done with them as I'm still not entirely stable on my left leg. Perhaps this is something I will always struggle with. He made the same corrections because I'm struggling with the same things. Keep the free leg behind, hold that LFO entry edge for as long as possible, and watch my arms. Moving on, he wanted to see my program jumps in isolation (minus the ballet and stag jumps). He would really like to see my free leg crossed more during my loop jump combo so I need to work on that. He would also like to see me vault up more with my free leg in the waltz jump. We then spent some time working on getting my salchow to be less spinny. I really need to take my time and hold that LBI edge longer with a stronger check before starting the jump. Finally, we worked on un-waltzing my toe loop. I have fallen back into bad habits and started cheating these again. So yeah, I have to clean these jumps up a lot! At the tail end of the lesson, we had some time to run the program to make sure that's still on track. I was a bit apprehensive because it was such a busy session. Lots of skaters and an entire 8 person adult synchro team on the ice. Yikes! But I put the sash on and hoped for the best. It went as well as could be expected given the circumstances. At one point two skaters collided right in front of me as I was ending my footwork sequence so I slowed a bit to dodge that but it put me behind the music so, in order to end on time with the music, I sacrificed my toe loop and just went right into the final spin. The whole thing was sloppy but Christopher seems to think I'll get it together in time (I'm glad at least one of us is optimistic!). He also changed my end pose because I have a tendency to be a bit "intense." Originally, I was to do a lunge, turn, and reach up like I'm grabbing the stars but I think it looked a bit like I was reaching up angrily to pick fruit and, despite him trying to fix what should be a very simple hand gesture, it still looked unnatural. So he changed it to look like more like my opening moves. Who would have thought that the one thing he had to change due to my incompetence was a hand gesture? LOL. Anyway, I survived and if I can skate my program on such a busy session I'm pretty sure I can do a much better job once I have the ice to myself. But man, I felt like Frogger out there!

Dressz - The rest of the crystals I ordered came in and I got all of the rest of the supplies I needed with a trip to two different craft stores (I needed E6000 glue, an organizer to keep track of all of the different sizes and colors of stones, and some basic throw pillows to put inside the dress while I stone). I was able to get some stones on this dress finally and boy was that terrifying! I only put the gray crystals on the gray part of the dress and will put the jet hematite crystals on the black part next weekend. It took three hours to put them all on but I think it looks pretty decent so far, especially considering it was my first time. I only did the 30ss and the 20ss because, honestly, the smaller size crystals are just too small and there is no way I can think of outside of purchasing special syringes, to get such a tiny amount of glue on them. The 20ss and the 30ss were the perfect size for the glue dots I was putting on the dress. So, when I start on the "dark side" (eh?) I will stick with the same sizes there as well. Guys! It's so sparkly and pretty already! I can't wait to see what it looks like when I finish putting the rest of the crystals on. I'm pretty much going to look like a space unicorn and I love the idea of that 💓

Every day I'm Twizzlin'

It took every ounce of strength and willpower that I had in me to get dressed and head to the rink this morning. The reason for this is that I woke up at 2:45am panicking about Swarovski crystals. Yes, you read that correctly. I actually lost sleep over crystal anxiety. #figureskaterproblems 

Dressz - The crystals came in the mail yesterday and they arrived in a very tiny package. I never thought 900+ crystals would look so...scant. I ordered two colors (Jet Hematite and Crystal Silver Night) in varying sizes ranging from 5ss to 30ss and I really did think that would be enough but now I'm worried that it may only cover one side of the dress. And I'm not even planning to encrust the whole dress in crystals! I just want a strong outline around the borders that fades down the dress. I feel like I need to place another order for some more of the bigger stones (the 30ss and the 20ss). Maybe another 2-3 gross? And the 5ss crystals are so small!! Like how can I even get glue on those?! I mean, I'm still going to use them to fill in gaps in coverage but those suckers are tiny! I'm just so overwhelmed by this whole thing. Why did I think this would be a good idea? I understand now why people pay professionals to stone their dresses. Ugh. The good news is that the two colors match the dress perfectly and even in the kitchen light, they sparkled something fierce! 

Movez - I spent the first half of my practice working on Bronze MIF. Power 3-turns are feeling pretty good. For once I feel like I have control over them, even on the bad side. The BX-BO Edges were freaking lovely today! Hardly any scratching and they flowed so nicely because my arms were doing what they were supposed to do. Circle 8 felt good so I did it a bunch of times and five step mohawks felt fine too (although I would like a little more knee bend on that fifth step). I usually warm up with power perimeter stroking so that is still good. At this point, I'm just keeping everything under foot so I don't lose it. We won't have time to work on moves during our lessons until after sectionals so it's up to me to keep them up to snuff. 

Programz - Before doing any practice runs of the whole program, I ran through some of the tougher elements in isolation. Mostly, I worked on the twizzle to ballet jump. Christopher would really like to see me do the twizzle, push under, and then step forward to do the ballet jump but I've been having a difficult time with the timing on this. I know the push under is the same push you do when you are doing a back crossover, but getting my legs to do this outside of a crossover is challenging. I was able to get it done today but it was not a strong push at all. Also, working on those twizzles reminded me that I'm well overdue for a sharpening. I haven't had one since before CSI back in September. I was all over the place! After twizzling for an eternity, I worked on connecting the chunks. I think part of the reason why I'm having a hard time keeping up with the music is that I work on chunks of the program in isolation. When it comes time to put the sash on and run it for realsies, I struggle with stamina. So, I worked on not stopping after a chunk. Instead, I did a chunk and moved on to the next chunk. I was pooped! Chunks everywhere!

So yeah, overall, I have a lot of anxiety about a lot of things. I know it's all going to come together and be okay. There is nothing in this program that I cannot do. I'm just overwhelmed by it all.

Stoning Video

Since I've never stoned a dress before I started looking for some good resources. I'm posting this video here for my own reference for when I start my project but also for anyone else who may need it. It explains things pretty clearly and makes the whole thing seem a little less daunting. I'm not crafty at all so here's hoping I can get the job done without ruining everything :)

Keeping my head above water

Lesson today! I specifically asked to work on twizzles because, during my last few practices, it really felt like I was doing a 1 1/2 rotation back spin rather than a bonafide twizzle. When I look at the tracings it looks like a traveling 3-turn so I think that's right? Anyway, my overall sense is that it's wonky so better to have Christopher take a look, right?

Lessonz - Per my request, we started with twizzles. He noticed a few things with what I was doing. It appears as though I rise up on my toe pick on that final rotation which slows things down so I really need to find that spot on the blade and stay there throughout the whole move. He also fixed my arms and told me to stop looking down. My arms should be like I'm holding a large beach ball and I should be looking ahead. With these corrections in place, I was able to do a couple that felt better. This is just something that I'm going to have to dedicate some time to. He gave me an exercise where I do twizzles down the length of the ice increasing the number of rotations by 1/2 each time I start a new twizzle. Yikes! Lots of work to do. After twizzling for a bit, we moved on to looking at the final part of the program and polishing that up a bit before running the whole program.

Programz - The good news is that I completed the whole run-through without a fall and I ended on time with the music. The bad news is that it was sloppy as all hell. I think I was so focused on keeping up with the music that I wasn't using the whole surface of the ice. As a result, I made things smaller without even thinking about it. He told me he wants to see more coverage and to make the elements bigger. But he did note that I am indeed skating with more speed so there's that. Personally, I felt like I was just trying to keep my head above water. I was very toe heavy and I'm sure that slowed me down a bit too. But, you know, considering that I wasn't able to keep up at all when I ran it the last time, I think progress has been made. I'm sure that it will clean itself up the more I run through it.

Dressz - I ordered over 900 Swarovski crystals (just over 6 gross) in varying sizes and while that is very exciting, I don't think future Mandi will have the patience required to glue each one on individually. I see a lot of expletives in my future.

Butt Pants for the win!

Practice today and the focus was spins and footwork. I was able to get the first half of the footwork up to speed but the twizzle into the ballet jump slowed me down considerably. I can do the twizzle slowly but I just don't have it under control enough to add more speed. So much work needs to be done still! I also fussed around with stepping forward into the attitude spin right from the toe loop landing. That, thankfully, was not as difficult as I thought it would be.

For Christmas I asked Santa for some padded shorts that I can wear over my regular skate pants (and by Santa I mean my in-laws). Today was my first day skating with them and I had a few of those bad backward falls while working on the twizzles. Holy smokes these pants actually work! I felt NOTHING! I swear by these pants now. Go out and get yourself a pair! Jerry's 850 Protective Shorts. They literally saved my ass!