Eeep

First, I went to a Halloween Ice Show at the APEX Arena on Friday evening and it was great! I love how it's a smaller club and everyone was involved in the process. The skaters were a delight to watch!

Second, I was toying around with the idea of going to a public session on Sunday to try things out. I re-laced my skates and tried them on. The left skate went on smoothly enough even though it felt really tight (I still have some swelling) but when I stood up...ouch! I walked around the apartment with my skates on for about 15 minutes and the pain didn't seem to subside. I was expecting my ankle to hurt the most since I have two very long screws there and it's such a sensitive area being just skin and bone. But it wasn't my ankle that hurt, it was my fibula where they put the plate/screws in. It hurt enough that I decided not to get on the ice that day.

I'm going to try again this week. I knew there would be some pain, but geez, I wasn't expecting that much. It really made me fearful for getting on the ice. Now that it's becoming real and I've been given permission to skate again, I'm scared of re-injury. This is just as much a mental hurdle as it is a physical one.

Final Update

17 weeks since the break - I went to my final orthopedist appointment today and I'm all healed! They took a final set of x-rays and everything has healed completely at this point. The doctor said "go skate."

He warned me that the hardware in my leg might start to bother me once I get on the ice due to how snug my skates fit. If this happens, he wants me to come in sooner rather than later to get it all taken out. He suggested November or December. With that surgery there will be a period of about 2-3 weeks where I'm in a soft cast or walking boot while it heals and then he said I'll need to do therapy that involves twisting action (like pirouettes) so that my bones know how to twist, I guess. Seems weird but he's the doc. I asked him if I should just leave the hardware in since it seems like my leg is now super reinforced and can't break again and he said that the bones are actually stronger than the hardware. The hardware just takes up space.

So here we are at the end of this broken leg journey. I'm excited to get back on the ice but I'm also pretty nervous. I know that first fall will be the scariest. I'm still not sure if my future in figure skating will contain jumps. My brain says "yay jumps!" but my body may say otherwise once I get on the ice.

I'm still planning on signing up for the advanced adult beginners class at APEX. I'll know for sure at the end of that if this whole skating thing is still a good idea. I really don't ever want to have to go through this ordeal again. It's not fun.

The plan

15 Weeks since the Break - Although I'm still in pain (more sore than anything else, really), I'm making progress with the rehab. I'm able to balance for long periods on time on my left leg, do a small hop, and walk without a limp. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I'm ready to get back on the ice.

I'm not planning on picking up where I left off, obviously, and I'm not even sure how my mental state will be once I lace up and get on the ice so I don't want to get right back into lessons with Christopher quite yet. I'm afraid of wasting his time if I end up too scared (or in too much pain) to continue. My plan, therefore, is to enroll in an adult beginners class at another rink. I really just want to start from scratch and work on the basics of skating for now until I am comfortable enough to take lessons with Christopher.

This will force me to focus on things like getting my edges (and my confidence) back all while being in an environment where the expectations for progress are kind of low. Basically, they won't expect me to be jumping and spinning at a high level anyway so I don't have to worry about not being able to do that right now. And I can go at a sloooow pace.

Additionally, I cannot fathom getting on a freestyle session right now. I'm just not going to be able to dodge upper-level skaters who are trying to jump and spin all around me. If I start back with Christopher again, I will either need to take my lessons with him during a freestyle session or during a crowded public session at the Promenade. I'm just not ready for that yet.

A new adult beginners session starts at Apex on November 4th so that gives me another 4 weeks to continue with rehabbing my leg. The class is an advanced beginner class that will focus on Adult Basic 4-6. Nothing fancy. No commitment. No disappointment if I am not strong enough to continue. Before I register, I'm due to see the doctor again so I want him to be honest and tell me whether or not this is a good idea. As much as I think I'm ready to get back on the ice, I don't want to do it if the doc doesn't think I'm healed enough. If everything goes well with the adult session, then I will start back again with Christopher in January :)

Update #4

11 Weeks since the break - I have been wearing this walking boot for four weeks now and I am at the point where I'm zipping around in it quite quickly. It took a while to get into a rhythm with it since it is higher than my other leg. It's like that feeling when you are only wearing one shoe and you walk funny because you are really off kilter. So, I have learned to walk with the uneven height. Yay! The problem now is that since I have retrained myself how to walk with uneven legs, I don't know how to walk when I take the boot off and my legs are even again. I have just started walking without the boot at home in the last week and yeah, I need to learn how to walk all over again. I'm wonky.

My foot and ankle are still very stiff even though I am doing the physical therapy exercises. So, not only am I having a difficult time walking with even feet again but I am battling the stiffness as well. What I think would really help is to get on a treadmill and put it at its slowest setting and just try to learn to get a normal stride back. This will also allow me to hold on to something while I walk and I can stop at any time once I'm tired (unlike walking on my own somewhere, if I get too tired to walk back, I'm screwed). So, I tried putting a shoe on the other day so I could make my way to the gym but my foot is still too swollen for shoes. I'll have to wait for the swelling to go down in order to go to the gym and work on the treadmill. Alas.

Anyway, I saw the orthopedist again today and, as per tradition, they took more x-rays. The doc says my bones are healed up very nicely and I am now officially approved to walk without the boot. Unfortunately, I still have to wear the boot until the swelling goes down as I don't have a single pair of shoes that will fit me right now.

I've been doing some off-ice spirals now that I can put full weight on my bad ankle again. Fun fact about breaking your ankle: you will have to learn how to balance on one foot again. It won't just come back to you. Try standing on one foot and notice how much work the muscles in your ankle are doing. They work hard! So I've been learning how to balance on one foot again and the time I'm able to stay upright without toppling over is getting longer each time. The spiral stretches help me get my flexibility back as well as helping with the balancing.

I'm still shooting for a January return to the ice :)

Update #3

Seven weeks since the break - So much has happened! First, I am now a Miller (yay marriage!). Second, I got the cast off :)

I went last Thursday to the Orthopedist and as soon as the doctor came into the exam room he said "So, are you ready to ditch those crutches?" Hells yeah I am! So, they sawed the cast off and took some x-rays. The bones have completely healed and I am ready for the next phase of recovery - walking! What's great about this particular doctor is that he understands the cost of physical therapy (it's a $50 copay each time you go!). So, after he put the boot on me, he gave me instructions for a physical therapy regimen to do at home.

For the first two weeks, he just wants me to learn how to bear weight on my left leg again and try to walk as much as I can tolerate. In two weeks, I can start the at-home PT. They are simple range of motion exercises that increase in difficulty and I am not to move on to the next exercise until I can completely perform the previous. This is where I think I will struggle as I know I'm going to get overzealous and move ahead before I should.

During the first couple of days in the new boot I could barely put weight on my left leg but now that I have had some practice, I'm able to do much more. Last night I even went up and down the stairs without crutches! I'm not saying it's all better now. It still really hurts but I see improvements every day.

I'm supposed to go back in a month so he can gauge my progress with the at-home therapy. I'm sure he will officially send me to PT if he thinks I'm not cutting it on my own but I'm determined to get it done without having to spend the money and time it takes to actually go to a special place for PT. He also mentioned that he expects that I should be healed enough to return to the ice in six weeks. Yikes! I just don't see that happening with how I am right now and I'm afraid of coming back too soon and re-injuring myself. I think January is a more realistic goal :)

Here are a couple of pictures from the wedding. <3

Things I've learned about being on crutches

I've been disabled for about 6 weeks now so I consider myself an "expert" in all things crutches related ;) Here's what I've learned:

Learn to accept help - I'm very independent and if I can do something myself, I will. Being on crutches changes all of that! I can no longer perform simple tasks such as carrying a cup of coffee from the kitchen to the sofa and, it never fails, as soon as I sit down, I will notice that I left something I need in another room. I have had to rely on Dustin a lot to bring me things, scoop the cat box, and feed me. The guilt is real! It sucks laying on the couch watching your significant other clean and cook and take care of the house. I want to help....but I can't. Honestly, though, if you have a good person in your life you have to remember that they really don't mind taking care of you and doing your share of things for a while. It's love, okay? You would do the same for them if the situation were reversed. Accepting help from strangers or coworkers, however, is a whole other matter. As an introvert, I tend to shy away from small talk and I would never dream of asking someone I wasn't terribly close with to do things for me. But you have to! You need to sometimes! Picture this: it's my first day going back to work after the surgery and I still have not mastered going down the stairs from my second floor apartment. My neighbor who had just moved in across the hall saw me struggling and sprung into action helping me down the stairs and making sure I was able to get out the door and to my car safely. Pride said "No! I can do it myself!" but common sense said "Oh my god. I'm so glad you showed up when you did. THANK YOU!" People want to help you. You need the help. Accept it. It will make your life on crutches so much easier!

You will have to tell your story over and over......and over again - On average, I have to answer the question of "OMG, what happened" at least five times a day. It gets old and it's very easy to seem annoyed and put off as you answer this question for the millionth time. And personally, I think it's rude of strangers to make comments like "Ouch! That looks like it hurts" because yes, yes it does hurt. It hurt a lot when it happened and it kinda still does hurt. So shut your face and keep walking with your perfectly healthy legs! Move on, nothing to see here! But I have realized that 1). people feel awkward around people with disabilities, even temporary ones, so they try to empathize with your pain and suffering by acknowledging your situation. Is it still rude? Sure. But I get why people do it and 2). people are just curious. Who hasn't bitched about drivers rubbernecking at a car accident on the highway and then slowed down yourself to make sure you get a good look as well? We all do it. As much as it annoys me, I would rather someone just ask what happened rather then giving me that "I want to look but I don't want to look like I'm looking" stare. Oh! and 3). people actually genuinely care sometimes. I know. Weird concept, right? They want to know what happened so they can think of ways to help you get through this.

Plan ahead for everything - Gone are the days where you can wait til the last minute, rush out the door, and expertly glide down the stairs to your vehicle. Say goodbye to sitting at your desk working on a project while your bladder is bursting at the seams thinking "it's ok, I'll just race to bathroom later before I explode, I just need five more minutes." Those quick showers? Gone. Everything you do now will take twice as long to accomplish because you now move at a snail's pace. Even getting into the car is an ordeal. I have to open the door, position myself so that I can get seated safely, lean my crutches up against the inside of the car door in such a way that I don't knock them over as I get in yet they are not too far out of the way so that I can reach for them to store them in the front passenger seat, and hope against all hope that the person who parked to my left didn't park too close so that I can even accomplish all of the above in the first place. Ugh, I just read that back to myself and realized what a poorly constructed sentence that was. But whatever, I'm injured. My brain is busy telling my leg to heal, okay?

Your body will change in expected and unexpected ways - I've been on non-weight bearing for the past six weeks. As a result, my left thigh has already started to atrophy and I can barely move my toes on that foot. I can't even muster a wiggle most days. On the other hand (or leg, rather) my right thigh is a BEAST! If I was capable of pulling off a back sit spin right now, I would have muscles for days and would probably be able to get pretty low. So yeah, needless to say, I'm...unbalanced looking with one thigh bigger than the other. Get ready to gain or lose weight. I ended up losing quite a bit for several reasons. I'm no longer physically able to get snacks from the kitchen and I have virtually no appetite. I was thin to begin with so now I just look, well, malnourished. Milkshakes and ice cream have helped put on some pounds but I still get the "wow, you're getting skinny" comments. You will be more emotional than usual. At first, I thought it was period hormones or just a mild case of depression given my situation but then I read an article about how the anesthesia from the surgery can linger in the body for weeks and make you prone to crying over almost anything. I am not proud to say that I have cried because of pizza, I cried at work, and I cried at a kids shoe store. Bring tissues, you will probably need them everywhere you go. Walking on crutches all day everyday for six weeks will kill your armpits! I cannot recommend those poofy armpit crutch pads highly enough. Also, if you can afford one, get yourself one of those knee scooters but know that it won't solve all of your problems. I can't take mine back and forth from home to work because it weighs as much as a small bicycle and is just as unwieldy and the turning radius on it sucks so, in order to turn around, get ready to do a 17-point turn. But they are fun (mine has a bell, a cushy seat, and a very handy basket which is a life-saver!). I keep mine at work and it has helped tremendously!

There will be things you want to do but can't now and that is super disappointing - Obviously, skating. Can't do it right now. In my head, I envision myself blasting through PT as their star student and making my way back to the ice in January ready to pick up where I left off. The reality is, you need to hope for the best and plan for the worst. By now, I should be in a walking boot. Instead, I'm still in this cast for another two weeks. I wanted to walk down the aisle at my own wedding in a couple of days. Instead, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I'm going to hold my bouquet if my hands are already occupied with crutches (this hit me hard the other day as I realized that I won't be able to even carry my own bouquet. Disappointment!). So, you can sit there and wallow in your sadness and I'm sure people would understand and sympathize. Does that help solve your problems, though? No. Look, this whole thing is disappointing. Nobody ever plans for stuff like this and when you realize that your plans won't work out the way you envisioned, you need to put your big girl pants on and figure out a way to make the best of things. Example, in addition to not being able to carry my own bouquet down the aisle, I realized that my fiberglass cast sticks to everything and it will act like velcro with the bottom half of my wedding dress. So I can sit back and cry about how I can only wear one shoe and my dress will stick to my cast OR I can embrace it and find creative solutions to the problem so that we can still have fun and incorporate this whole thing into the wedding (I'm going to wear my short get-away dress instead of the long one, I bought purple low-top converse to match my purple cast, and instead of a traditional guestbook, people will sign my cast). There is always a way to find the silver lining :)

I'm still going to have moments where I feel defeated. I see these moments especially cropping up once I start PT. But maybe I can look back at this and see the good instead of focusing on the bad. I've learned a lot in these last six weeks and I'm sure I'm not done learning life lessons from this whole ordeal. The biggest lesson, I'm sure, is that this is temporary! I'm fortunate that this is merely a setback and not a lifelong disability. I'm lucky that, eventually, I will be able to lace my skates again and get back on the ice. This is just a bump in the road. You know how they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" As cliche as that is, it's freakin' true! My motivation to come back from this is through the roof! I'll be a force to be reckoned with for sure!

Update #2

Five weeks since the break - Went to the orthopedist today in hopes of being put in a walking boot with partial weight bearing but alas, the stars did not align as such. They sawed off the old purple cast, cleaned me up a bit, took the adhesive strips off of the incisions, checked the incisions, and put another purple cast back on me. I'm super bummed. I was really looking forward to maybe being able to walk around without the assistance of crutches as well as showering without the over-sized plastic condom over my foot that I have to use so I don't get the cast wet. On a more personal level, I'm getting married on Saturday and I was really hoping to be able to walk down the aisle, not crutch down the aisle. Sigh...I go back in two weeks and, fingers crossed, maybe then I can get the walking boot.

On a lighter note, I put in my first two volunteer hours with the Rocky Mountain Figure Skating Club this weekend! Only 11 more volunteer hours to go and I can stay in "good standing." The Colorado Championships were going on this weekend at my rink so I was able to snag two hours at the "ways and means" table selling baked goods to spectators. It was an easy way to earn two hours but I regret not eating beforehand. It was all I could do to not plow through every single one of the brownies.

I was also able to spectate. I watched the Novice, Junior, and Senior Ladies Freeskate and it was lovely. It was actually the first figure skating competition that I have been able to watch in person and not on TV and it was almost refreshing to see that nobody skated a clean program. I guess everyone succumbs to pressure of some sort regardless of what level you skate at, whether it's falling on a jump or tripping over your toe pick. I got to see some of Christopher's upper level students skate and it was inspiring to see what I might become under his direction. He even made it up to the stands to say hello to us when he was done with coaching duties and it was nice to chat with him for a bit. I'm really missing the skate life :(