Update #3

Seven weeks since the break - So much has happened! First, I am now a Miller (yay marriage!). Second, I got the cast off :)

I went last Thursday to the Orthopedist and as soon as the doctor came into the exam room he said "So, are you ready to ditch those crutches?" Hells yeah I am! So, they sawed the cast off and took some x-rays. The bones have completely healed and I am ready for the next phase of recovery - walking! What's great about this particular doctor is that he understands the cost of physical therapy (it's a $50 copay each time you go!). So, after he put the boot on me, he gave me instructions for a physical therapy regimen to do at home.

For the first two weeks, he just wants me to learn how to bear weight on my left leg again and try to walk as much as I can tolerate. In two weeks, I can start the at-home PT. They are simple range of motion exercises that increase in difficulty and I am not to move on to the next exercise until I can completely perform the previous. This is where I think I will struggle as I know I'm going to get overzealous and move ahead before I should.

During the first couple of days in the new boot I could barely put weight on my left leg but now that I have had some practice, I'm able to do much more. Last night I even went up and down the stairs without crutches! I'm not saying it's all better now. It still really hurts but I see improvements every day.

I'm supposed to go back in a month so he can gauge my progress with the at-home therapy. I'm sure he will officially send me to PT if he thinks I'm not cutting it on my own but I'm determined to get it done without having to spend the money and time it takes to actually go to a special place for PT. He also mentioned that he expects that I should be healed enough to return to the ice in six weeks. Yikes! I just don't see that happening with how I am right now and I'm afraid of coming back too soon and re-injuring myself. I think January is a more realistic goal :)

Here are a couple of pictures from the wedding. <3

Things I've learned about being on crutches

I've been disabled for about 6 weeks now so I consider myself an "expert" in all things crutches related ;) Here's what I've learned:

Learn to accept help - I'm very independent and if I can do something myself, I will. Being on crutches changes all of that! I can no longer perform simple tasks such as carrying a cup of coffee from the kitchen to the sofa and, it never fails, as soon as I sit down, I will notice that I left something I need in another room. I have had to rely on Dustin a lot to bring me things, scoop the cat box, and feed me. The guilt is real! It sucks laying on the couch watching your significant other clean and cook and take care of the house. I want to help....but I can't. Honestly, though, if you have a good person in your life you have to remember that they really don't mind taking care of you and doing your share of things for a while. It's love, okay? You would do the same for them if the situation were reversed. Accepting help from strangers or coworkers, however, is a whole other matter. As an introvert, I tend to shy away from small talk and I would never dream of asking someone I wasn't terribly close with to do things for me. But you have to! You need to sometimes! Picture this: it's my first day going back to work after the surgery and I still have not mastered going down the stairs from my second floor apartment. My neighbor who had just moved in across the hall saw me struggling and sprung into action helping me down the stairs and making sure I was able to get out the door and to my car safely. Pride said "No! I can do it myself!" but common sense said "Oh my god. I'm so glad you showed up when you did. THANK YOU!" People want to help you. You need the help. Accept it. It will make your life on crutches so much easier!

You will have to tell your story over and over......and over again - On average, I have to answer the question of "OMG, what happened" at least five times a day. It gets old and it's very easy to seem annoyed and put off as you answer this question for the millionth time. And personally, I think it's rude of strangers to make comments like "Ouch! That looks like it hurts" because yes, yes it does hurt. It hurt a lot when it happened and it kinda still does hurt. So shut your face and keep walking with your perfectly healthy legs! Move on, nothing to see here! But I have realized that 1). people feel awkward around people with disabilities, even temporary ones, so they try to empathize with your pain and suffering by acknowledging your situation. Is it still rude? Sure. But I get why people do it and 2). people are just curious. Who hasn't bitched about drivers rubbernecking at a car accident on the highway and then slowed down yourself to make sure you get a good look as well? We all do it. As much as it annoys me, I would rather someone just ask what happened rather then giving me that "I want to look but I don't want to look like I'm looking" stare. Oh! and 3). people actually genuinely care sometimes. I know. Weird concept, right? They want to know what happened so they can think of ways to help you get through this.

Plan ahead for everything - Gone are the days where you can wait til the last minute, rush out the door, and expertly glide down the stairs to your vehicle. Say goodbye to sitting at your desk working on a project while your bladder is bursting at the seams thinking "it's ok, I'll just race to bathroom later before I explode, I just need five more minutes." Those quick showers? Gone. Everything you do now will take twice as long to accomplish because you now move at a snail's pace. Even getting into the car is an ordeal. I have to open the door, position myself so that I can get seated safely, lean my crutches up against the inside of the car door in such a way that I don't knock them over as I get in yet they are not too far out of the way so that I can reach for them to store them in the front passenger seat, and hope against all hope that the person who parked to my left didn't park too close so that I can even accomplish all of the above in the first place. Ugh, I just read that back to myself and realized what a poorly constructed sentence that was. But whatever, I'm injured. My brain is busy telling my leg to heal, okay?

Your body will change in expected and unexpected ways - I've been on non-weight bearing for the past six weeks. As a result, my left thigh has already started to atrophy and I can barely move my toes on that foot. I can't even muster a wiggle most days. On the other hand (or leg, rather) my right thigh is a BEAST! If I was capable of pulling off a back sit spin right now, I would have muscles for days and would probably be able to get pretty low. So yeah, needless to say, I'm...unbalanced looking with one thigh bigger than the other. Get ready to gain or lose weight. I ended up losing quite a bit for several reasons. I'm no longer physically able to get snacks from the kitchen and I have virtually no appetite. I was thin to begin with so now I just look, well, malnourished. Milkshakes and ice cream have helped put on some pounds but I still get the "wow, you're getting skinny" comments. You will be more emotional than usual. At first, I thought it was period hormones or just a mild case of depression given my situation but then I read an article about how the anesthesia from the surgery can linger in the body for weeks and make you prone to crying over almost anything. I am not proud to say that I have cried because of pizza, I cried at work, and I cried at a kids shoe store. Bring tissues, you will probably need them everywhere you go. Walking on crutches all day everyday for six weeks will kill your armpits! I cannot recommend those poofy armpit crutch pads highly enough. Also, if you can afford one, get yourself one of those knee scooters but know that it won't solve all of your problems. I can't take mine back and forth from home to work because it weighs as much as a small bicycle and is just as unwieldy and the turning radius on it sucks so, in order to turn around, get ready to do a 17-point turn. But they are fun (mine has a bell, a cushy seat, and a very handy basket which is a life-saver!). I keep mine at work and it has helped tremendously!

There will be things you want to do but can't now and that is super disappointing - Obviously, skating. Can't do it right now. In my head, I envision myself blasting through PT as their star student and making my way back to the ice in January ready to pick up where I left off. The reality is, you need to hope for the best and plan for the worst. By now, I should be in a walking boot. Instead, I'm still in this cast for another two weeks. I wanted to walk down the aisle at my own wedding in a couple of days. Instead, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I'm going to hold my bouquet if my hands are already occupied with crutches (this hit me hard the other day as I realized that I won't be able to even carry my own bouquet. Disappointment!). So, you can sit there and wallow in your sadness and I'm sure people would understand and sympathize. Does that help solve your problems, though? No. Look, this whole thing is disappointing. Nobody ever plans for stuff like this and when you realize that your plans won't work out the way you envisioned, you need to put your big girl pants on and figure out a way to make the best of things. Example, in addition to not being able to carry my own bouquet down the aisle, I realized that my fiberglass cast sticks to everything and it will act like velcro with the bottom half of my wedding dress. So I can sit back and cry about how I can only wear one shoe and my dress will stick to my cast OR I can embrace it and find creative solutions to the problem so that we can still have fun and incorporate this whole thing into the wedding (I'm going to wear my short get-away dress instead of the long one, I bought purple low-top converse to match my purple cast, and instead of a traditional guestbook, people will sign my cast). There is always a way to find the silver lining :)

I'm still going to have moments where I feel defeated. I see these moments especially cropping up once I start PT. But maybe I can look back at this and see the good instead of focusing on the bad. I've learned a lot in these last six weeks and I'm sure I'm not done learning life lessons from this whole ordeal. The biggest lesson, I'm sure, is that this is temporary! I'm fortunate that this is merely a setback and not a lifelong disability. I'm lucky that, eventually, I will be able to lace my skates again and get back on the ice. This is just a bump in the road. You know how they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" As cliche as that is, it's freakin' true! My motivation to come back from this is through the roof! I'll be a force to be reckoned with for sure!

Update #2

Five weeks since the break - Went to the orthopedist today in hopes of being put in a walking boot with partial weight bearing but alas, the stars did not align as such. They sawed off the old purple cast, cleaned me up a bit, took the adhesive strips off of the incisions, checked the incisions, and put another purple cast back on me. I'm super bummed. I was really looking forward to maybe being able to walk around without the assistance of crutches as well as showering without the over-sized plastic condom over my foot that I have to use so I don't get the cast wet. On a more personal level, I'm getting married on Saturday and I was really hoping to be able to walk down the aisle, not crutch down the aisle. Sigh...I go back in two weeks and, fingers crossed, maybe then I can get the walking boot.

On a lighter note, I put in my first two volunteer hours with the Rocky Mountain Figure Skating Club this weekend! Only 11 more volunteer hours to go and I can stay in "good standing." The Colorado Championships were going on this weekend at my rink so I was able to snag two hours at the "ways and means" table selling baked goods to spectators. It was an easy way to earn two hours but I regret not eating beforehand. It was all I could do to not plow through every single one of the brownies.

I was also able to spectate. I watched the Novice, Junior, and Senior Ladies Freeskate and it was lovely. It was actually the first figure skating competition that I have been able to watch in person and not on TV and it was almost refreshing to see that nobody skated a clean program. I guess everyone succumbs to pressure of some sort regardless of what level you skate at, whether it's falling on a jump or tripping over your toe pick. I got to see some of Christopher's upper level students skate and it was inspiring to see what I might become under his direction. He even made it up to the stands to say hello to us when he was done with coaching duties and it was nice to chat with him for a bit. I'm really missing the skate life :(

Update #1

Three weeks since the break - Recovery from surgery wasn't as bad as expected. Mostly I struggled with the fact that my body cannot tolerate any kind of narcotic. My doctor prescribed dilaudid and that worked well for about a week and a half until I got insanely sick from it. I've been off pain meds for awhile now and I've learned to cope with the pain in other ways (lots of books, cat cuddling, library work, and Netflix).

For the past three weeks I have been in a soft cast. This is really just a splint with some bandages wrapped around it so it's pretty easy to bump my leg on something and be in a lot of pain. Today at my first post-op appointment, they took the soft cast off, took the stitches out, took some x-rays, and then put me in a proper hard cast. IT FEELS SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!! I should also say that, when I was younger, I always kind of envied the kids at school who would occasionally show up with a cast on. I loved how friends could sign the cast and every time they looked at their injured limb, they are reminded of all the people who wished them well. I was oddly excited when the nurse let me pick out the color (purple please!) and started wrapping me up.

As far as the healing goes, the x-rays show good progress on the bone healing and the incisions have closed up well without a trace of infection. The one not so awesome thing is that my foot is swollen because I have not been diligent about elevating my leg above my heart. In my defense, it's really hard to do that when you still have to go to work and live a life. I can't just lay around all day with my leg up. I have important stuff to do ;)

I should be in a walking boot in about two weeks and then in a month I'm supposed to go back to the doc again but I cant remember why (I was too enamored with my new pretty purple cast-foot to listen!). I'm pretty sure it will be a final check up before he pawns me off to the physical therapist.

I think about skating every day. Sometimes it's hard and I need to force myself to stop thinking about it because it's kind of depressing knowing that I can't skate right now. In other ways, it's therapeutic. I'm trying to keep the patterns in my head and remind my muscles how it feels to land a certain jump or ride an edge. I'm hoping that I can get back on the ice by January. I know I won't be able to do anything fancy and I'll spend a lot of time just re-learning the basics but I'll be on the ice and that's all that really matters.

So yeah, I'm still hanging in there :)

Them's the Breaks!

Where have I been? I've been broken, actually. Like REALLY broken!

I went to the Stable on Sunday July 2nd for my weekend practice and all was going well. I ran through my entire MIF and Freestyle test elements several times and everything felt solid. No issues. After an hour of running through all of that, I started working on spins and jumps. I finally got more than one revolution on my camel and that was encouraging. I did some nice backspins in the flamingo position that felt spintastic. And then I moved on to jumps. I did several salchows that felt slowed down like I wanted and I had just started working on loops. I did a couple that felt really nice, like I had the free leg crossed in front and everything! I was lining up for another loop from backward crossovers and before I even left the ice for the jump, I heard a pop and then intense pain that had me writhing on the ice before I could even comprehend what happened!

I didn't scream out in pain or cry (yet), I just kind of laid there, stunned. People continued to skate around me like it's just completely normal for someone to be laying on the ice. Finally, a kid skated up to me and asked me if I was alright. I said "no" and asked if he could please get someone to help me. He left and again, I just laid there on the ice for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, a dad who was there with his son came up to me and asked if he could help me get off the ice. He tried to pick me up but it just wasn't working so he got a chair and brought it to me and, once he got me seated, he slid me to the closest entrance and got me off the ice. Mind you, during this whole time, not a single staff member came out to assist. I had to again ask someone to get a staff member to help me. In the meantime, I called Dustin and told him to come quick because I thought I broke my ankle.

At this point, the pain kicked in and I think I was starting to go into shock because I was getting insanely cold. Finally, staff came with a clipboard to ask me questions and fill out an incident report. Someone on the staff advised me not to take my boot off (Not like I could anyway. The mere weight of the boot alone was killing me). Once Dustin got there and we determined that there was no way to get me into the car to go the ER, I agreed to have EMS come and take me via ambulance. How embarrassing.

Thankfully, they gave me some super pain meds for the ride because I was losing it with the amount of pain. X-rays confirmed the breaking news (see what I did there?). I broke my ankle which pushed everything outward to break by fibula. So yeah, I didn't just break my ankle, I broke my leg as well and it would have been much worse if my skate boot hadn't kept everything contained.

I had surgery on the 7th with an orthopedist that just does ankles and I am now the proud owner of a newly rebuilt ankle and leg. The good news is that I will be able to skate again in the future (including jumps). The bad news is that it will take quite a while to heal from this. The doctor estimated that I should be able to comfortably return to the ice about a year from now (maybe a bit sooner if I am diligent with my PT).

I ended up emailing Christopher when I was in the ER and told him what happened and that I may possibly be done with skating entirely (I was on a lot of drugs and was feeling very doom and gloom). He was so kind and offered to stop by my apartment to bring some food that his wife had made for us just to help out a little. He came over to the apartment after my surgery and he was able to talk to me about some options for when I return (because I have now decided that I'm not going to let this break me (eh?)). He talked about the possibility of just focusing on MIF or switching gears entirely and working on testing through the Ice Dance levels, which I can do solo if I want.

I have a lot of support and some really good people in my life who are rooting for me. Skating is also my passion and I can't let this one event determine my future. I will rise above! So, this journal may be silent for a while although I may periodically post some progress reports. In the meantime, I will keep running my MIF in my mind and watch videos so that I don't forget anything. I also think it's helpful to watch some skating in person. I went to a freestyle session the day before my surgery just to watch and that reminded me how much I love the ice and how badly I want to return to it. I WILL BE BACK! Below are the before and after x-rays of my left ankle/leg. Enjoy!

Edit - So I know in the second x-ray it looks as though the one screw in the middle is floating. It's not. The doc screwed that one in from the back so that he could connect the two broken ends together. In other words, it's supposed to look like that ;)

Thursday Morning Lesson

Christopher got on the ice and showed me some clips from the Ariel Challenge that took place last week at the Broadmoor Open. My jaw was on the floor. Tim Dolensky is superhuman! I mean...what?!

We talked a bit about what testing will be like the day of. He showed me where the judges will be sitting and talked about what to expect if there is another skater testing their Moves at the same time as me. The judges will not be in the hockey box like I thought but rather up in the stands so I won't really get to skate up to them and introduce myself like I have seen others do on the tests I've viewed on YouTube. For the MIF test, I'm supposed to pause after each individual move, set up for the next thing, and then wait until they look as though they are done writing their comments. For the Freeskate test, I should expect to perform each element in the order listed on the judging form, hold the landing for about three seconds, present, then start transitioning to set up for the next thing. So, like 10 seconds or so between each element. We worked a bit on the presenting part.

After that was done, we ran the Freeskate in its entirety with brief stops along the way for corrections.

• Waltz Jump - Looks nice. Hold that landing for three seconds, step forward, present, and transition. 
• Salchow - I'm not checking the initial three turn and my arms aren't quite correct. After a strong check, my right arm should be back and my left arm should be slightly crossed over in front of my body. You'd be surprised how much of a difference this makes once you make these corrections! Hold the landing for three seconds, step forward, present, and transition. 
• One-Foot Upright Spin - Spin spin spin, landing position held for three seconds, step forward, present, and transition. 
• Two-Foot Spin - Spin spin spin, landing position, step forward, present, and transition. 
• Crossovers - 6 forward, mohawk, 6 backward, landing position held for three seconds, step forward, present, and transition. 
• Lunge - Hold a steady lunge for four seconds, get up, forward crossover, present. Skate to the judges, face them, and curtsy as a "thank you."

We didn't have much time left but he wanted to see CCW and CW stroking. These are fine but he would like to see more underpush on the end crossovers and more of a waltz count for each stroke. This needs more fluidity. I've been able to improve my extensions but instead of just extending and holding my free leg behind me, he wants it to be a bit more dance-like with constant fluid motion and extension. So, I got the extension right, just not the fluidity. Next he wanted to see my Crossovers in the Figure Eight. He advised me to make a bigger pattern instead of sticking to the lines on the hockey circles. Sticking to the size of the hockey circles is ok for a smaller pattern like the Waltz 8 but this move can be BIG! He even suggested practicing it in the middle of the rink so I can make it even bigger and fit in more crossovers. Some other corrections included more underpush on my CW forward crossovers and to more clearly emphasize the change of edge in the swingroll transition. Homework!

Wednesday Night Cram

The Sport Stable changed their schedule around again so I had to find another rink to go to for my Wednesday Night Cram session. I drove to the Apex Arena in Arvada and it was pleasantly uncrowded. In fact, it was so quiet when I got on the ice for my warm-up that I could hear the ice cracking under my skates. I'm not sure if this is normal but I have never heard it before and it was kind of unsettling to be honest. Eventually, a couple of hockey guys joined the session along with a younger girl who looked to be working on Pre-Preliminary (Yay, an equal!).

My goal for this session was to focus first on Pre-Bronze MIF and Freestyle and then with whatever time was left over I was going to dedicate to jumps, spins, and maybe some Bronze MIF. I feel like if I had to give myself a grade for my Pre-Bronze MIF it would be a solid B. I think it's above average but there is definitely some room to grow on these. I'm not worried about passing but I would really like to get these to an A- or a solid A. My forward outside edges felt really good! In fact, this was the first time that I could hear them rip! I was also getting a rip on my return to center on the Waltz 8. This is exciting! This means my edges are getting stronger (well, at least my FO are anyway) :)

Jumps were okay. I think I have been trying so hard lately to slow down my salchow that I might have ruined them? I don't know. They are just all over the place now. I gave up on them after a bit and will just let Christopher deal with it during our lesson tomorrow. Waltz jumps were comfortable. Loops are getting much better now that I'm focusing on my arms and making sure my free leg is crossed in front. When I do a loop as part of a combo, however, I'm still struggling with getting the free leg crossed in front. It's next to my skating leg in a flamingo position, but not crossed. I did some flips. They were not spectacular by any means but I worked on them as promised.

I had a really nasty fall while working on backspins. I'm getting more comfortable getting the rotations in the flamingo position but I know Christopher wants to see me do these with the free leg crossed in front. I tried it, I fell, it hurt. Some of my nastiest falls have been on backspins and back threes. It's just so easy to have your heel slip out from under you and those are the falls that hurt the most. Christopher is just going to have to be patient with me on these. I really need some time to get the hang of this (and maybe get some padded pants!).

I had about 15 minutes left over to work on some upcoming moves. Power Threes on both sides are feeling better although that step forward after the back crossover is a real pain in the ass. I did the Five Step Mohawks on the blue line and my good side feels good and my bad side feels bad. That's to be expected, I guess. Power Stroking felt rushed going forward, nice and easy going backward. I didn't do Circle Eight or Alternating Back Crossovers to BO Edges because I just didn't have it in me at this point. I wanted to go home and eat a cheeseburger, binge some Netflix, and cuddle my cat. I'm an adult and I can do what I want :)