My two hour cramming session (aka practice) was spent at the Sport Stable on Friday evening. I mostly worked on jumps and spins but I was able to squeeze in some MIF when the public session thinned out enough to do so. Overall, I feel like I made some slight progress on things (including BO 3 turns!). But one thing was holding me back....fear.
Let's talk about fear for a second. Ten years ago, I was fearless! When I had just started in Freeskate 4, my coach showed me the loop jump and, after a couple of attempts at the wall, I was comfortable enough to try it out on open ice. And I landed it! Now, I'm almost 40 years old and, I don't know, maybe I just feel a little bit more...breakable? I have been having some issues with lower back pain that was there before I started skating again and on top of that, I am scared of hurting myself so severely that I would need time off from work. With my particular job, that's not something that I can afford to do. I'm a solo academic librarian (emphasis on the solo) so if I am out of commission for a bit, who will run the library? A lot more is at stake now than ten years ago. This doesn't mean I'm not pushing myself. I am! But with certain things, I'm hitting this fear wall that I cannot break through. In particular, spirals and the flip jump. Spirals are easy and they are something that I was able to do well years ago. In fact, I used to get compliments on them regarding form and flexibility. Now, I'm scared of catching a toe pick and landing on my face therefore I tend to skip over them during practices. The flip jump is something that I know I can do (and possibly do quite well) but I just can't bring myself to try. My half flips are solid and have pretty good height. I could easily add another 1/2 revolution on to that and make it a full flip. I have been practicing the flip on the floor and am easily getting around. I've been doing walk-throughs of the jump at the boards during practices. So why can't I bring myself to try it on open ice?! I'm just...scared. I know that once I try the jump, the fear will be gone. But I just can't get past that fear. It's really slowing down my progress :(
The fear and apprehension was showing during my lesson today. I was very tentative on almost all of the things he asked me to do. Because of this, I had some pretty nasty falls. And I was falling on stupid things like backward to forward two-foot hops. I was just in my head the whole time and on the verge of tears throughout the whole lesson. Christopher assured me that it is completely normal to be in a "funk" and that even some of his more advanced students find themselves in a funk for a week or more but he says they always come out of it. I hope he's right and that this is just a slump that I will eventually move past. Right now, I just feel like this is something that I will be struggling with for a while.
On a good note! After my lesson, Kelly (who was my coach years ago from Freeskate 2) skated up to me and mentioned that she got my email asking her to be my coach and she would be happy to work with me again! She said that she could definitely work with my schedule so that we could have a weekly lesson during the early morning freestyle sessions. I'm waiting for her to email me back with her rates and some other information but it looks like I might have a coach and I'll be able to stay at the Ice Centre! This also means that I would be joining and representing the Rocky Mountain Figure Skating Club in tests and competitions.
So, it was a weekend of highs and lows. There were some good moments like improving the consistency of landing my loop jump and the not so good moments of falling on the easiest of elements. This just goes to show how difficult this experience is as an adult. Younger skaters, I'm sure, experience stumbling blocks with their skating from time to time but I feel like they can move past it and recover more quickly than someone like me. Le sigh.
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