He wanted to see me do one so I did a couple from a stand still that were pretty decent. He commented on the improvement in my free leg position and even remarked that the jump has good rotation. In fact, one of was slightly over-rotated. So, yeah, the fear is gone. I can do the jump now. I win, right? Wrong! Now he wants me to enter from backward crossovers and I started to have a bit of a panic attack. Remember, it wasn't so much the jump that broke my leg, it was the entry. My bones snapped before I even left the ice! So when we talked about doing loops again, I mentioned that I wasn't comfortable doing them from the backwards crossover entry because that's what did me in last time. This is why I have been practicing them from the RFI three turn entry. He saw the panic and fear rising and tried his best to convince me that I know how to do the jump just fine, I'm stronger now that I'm healed, I'm a rock star because I passed my tests. I mean, that's nice to hear (👍) but I'm SCARED! We worked a bit on the entry without the jump and the panic was still pretty strong, like almost bringing me to tears strong! So he suggested the harness...
Fast forward to five minutes later because how the hell do you strap yourself into this thing anyway?! and we were ready to go. We started off with a jump I know how to do well (a salchow) just so I could get the feel of the contraption. Um....guys, no. Just no. I hate this thing. My center of gravity was off, the top of the harness kept getting in the way of my head, and I really didn't feel like I had any control over anything. I felt like a drunk marionette doll. It was awful. I finally landed a messy salchow so we started working on loop jumps from the backward entry. I couldn't even bring myself to do it in the harness! That's how strong this fear is. So, after many failed attempts at the loop, we moved on to flip jumps since that's another one I'm struggling with. I couldn't get my body right while in this thing. I've landed flips before without a harness and this was just like starting all over again. I hated it and couldn't wait for my lesson to end so I could unstrap myself.
I think I'll stick to floor jumps and on-ice attempts without a harness. Here's the thing: When I'm doing a jump and I can feel that I won't land it and will likely fall, I can put my body in a position to fall the right way so I don't get hurt. But when I'm in the harness, I'm assuming he's going to catch me (even though I still fell in the harness a couple of times...hard!) so I don't prepare for the fall. I also just can't feel my body the right way. It feels so unnatural. I would rather just attempt them without the harness and have control over my falls than do them in the harness and not.
I felt weak today. And incapable. The super awesome progress I made with the loop jump and the pride I felt at overcoming this fear was all wiped away today. I need cake. Cake will help :(
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