LFO FML

I try to not be one of those people who say "I can't" or make excuses for my shortcomings. But since my left leg was rebuilt with plates and screws, I can't get on a solid outside edge. It doesn't matter how much I practice. There is little to no improvement. It's frustrating and I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new anatomy. I always think that, with time and effort, things will get better. But they are not and I'm kind of lost. I almost cried during my lesson today (more on that embarrassment later).

Warm-up: I have it down to a routine now. I do several laps of stroking and slaloms, then I do edges on a line, followed by FI/FO edges around the center hockey circle, and then finally the Circle 8. I am consistently getting around on the entire Circle 8 without a foot down so I guess that is some progress. But the LFO circle is HUGE in comparison to the other three circles because I can't get on the outside edge like I should. It just kind of goes straight for a bit until I can get on a shallow outside edge and then it finally circles back around. It's a disaster. But at least I'm doing this disaster on one foot! I moved on to jumps and was able to do a couple of loop-loop combos with my free leg crossed on both so that was nice. I did many waltz-loop combos but only one was proper. Toe loops are back to being proper toe loops so yay for that. Salchows were nice but I still had trouble getting the salchow-loop to work. Moving on to spins, I worked on holding onto that LFO edge for a longer amount of time before the spin. I don't think I need to tell you what a failure that was. This was about the time that Christopher got on the ice for our lesson.

Lesson: He asked me what I was working on and I told him that I was still struggling with the LFO edge so we spent quite a bit of time on the Circle 8. He must have tried every trick in his book to get me to make it happen and it just...couldn't. The LFO circle is just too big! I'm at a loss for what to do. It's not brain thing, it's physical. So we moved on to spins and we worked a lot on the spin entry, again holding on to the LFO edge for as long as possible until it starts to spin. Once more, I struggled. I can't bend my left leg enough and the edge just turns into a three turn so I end up with a traveling spin every time. We tried this, we tried that....finally, I started to break down. It took everything I had to not just melt into a puddle of tears and failure. Will this ever get better or am I doomed now? Is this a handicap or something I can work through? I have never encountered an obstacle I couldn't work through with time and effort but this...this won't budge. I've been able to conquer bigger things like getting on the ice for the first time after being injured and landing that first loop jump but this is so simple. It's such an easy thing. It's a damn outside edge! Why? Why can't I do this? Christopher reminded me that I am indeed making progress even if it's slight. I just got to keep plugging away at it. I recall not too long ago someone on the adult figure skating facebook page mentioned that she had to have her blade adjusted after she shattered her ankle and needed hardware in her leg. I'm seriously considering this but I'm hesitant because part of me feels like that's cheating. This is something that I should be able to work out on my own. But how long do I keep going like this before admitting defeat? I'm trying to stay positive and keep moving forward but this is hard.