Round Two

I've taken many breaks from the ice and always came back stronger so how is it that I feel so very much weaker than all those other times, even the ones where I came back from multiple broken bones? Christopher asked me today at the start of our lesson if things felt better today than they did last week. I told him I feel 5% better, but hey, it's not at zero so that's something.

I just felt unsteady and unsure and...slow. I'm thinking about my Devil program and wondering if I can even do that anymore. When I chose that program music, I felt stronger both in body and in mind. Now? I just don't think I can do it. It will be a while, I think, until I feel that way again. I'm honestly thinking about shelving that program for a later date and maybe starting slow again. Maybe I need a season where I can get my feet under me again and build up confidence. I ordered a Brad Griffies dress back in April that was intended to be a test/compulsories dress but now I'm thinking I should use it as a program dress and pick music that won't push me right now. And I'm not saying I don't ever want to be pushed skillswise but right now I need to build myself back up to where I was before all of this crap happened. I need to start slow and work my way up to the Devil program. I feel defeated even typing this out especially considering today was day 2 on the ice but I need to be realistic about where I am at right now.

Lessonz - We started with some field moves and I told him I was struggling with my backward power pulls on my bad leg (good ol' lefty). My outside edge on that foot is definitely stronger than the inside edge so once I switch to my left foot halfway through the move, I start to veer toward the boards. We worked a bit on straightening me out and then moved on to backward 3 turns. I'm just so sad about all of the progress I lost with these! I really need to trust my edges more, relax, look behind me, and use my shoulders. All I'm doing now is forcing the turn which makes things so spastic. We rounded out our lesson by looking at jumps. He asked me to just start basic and work my way up. Waltz jump was okay, toe loop needs a better glide through with my free leg, salchow was scratchy and spinny, and loop was okay, I guess. Luckily we ran out of time and didn't get to the flip jump. I haven't done one since the rinks shut down back in March. I was making real progress with it back then but I feel like a different skater now. I'm scared again.

I think another part of my problem is that there isn't any time to really practice between lessons. I feel like I don't have time to work on anything he gave me for homework. Also, another hit to my self-esteem was this adult skater I met today. She was lovely and skated so well after having been off the ice for two months. And she's 63! Inspirational for sure but I felt like a bit of a loser for taking such a hit to my skills when this strong ass lady was out there killing it and she's twenty years my senior. Ugh.