Back to the scene

The Sport Stable had an afternoon weekend session and I thought it might be a good thing to skate there this weekend and return to the place where I broke my leg. It's all part of that thing where you do a scary thing and then once you do it, it's not so scary anymore. Kinda like that first fall.

However...oh my god their ice was awful! But I wanted to check this off my fear list so I got laced up and got on the ice. After a few warm up laps I did a two-foot spin and immediately caught a rut then I tried some edges and caught a rut. The ice was so dangerous and I wasn't about to risk getting hurt again but I at least wanted to land a single jump just to be able to say that I did. The last time I jumped at that rink I had to be wheeled out on a stretcher. I just wanted to cancel that out and land a jump even if it was just a tiny waltz jump. So, I did and then left.

I really don't see myself skating there any more in the future. The public sessions used to be so empty and now they are not. The ice is progressively getting worse and worse. Their main focus at this rink is hockey and the ice shows it. I couldn't find a smooth spot at all! From now on, Apex and my home rink (the Promenade) will be my only options. Even though the Stable is much closer to my house, it will be worth the drive to skate somewhere else that has better ice and, you know, not get hurt.

Finally, a Fall!

Yup! I fell. I finally got that first fall out of the way and honestly, it feels awesome! I was practicing a waltz 8 and just before the step forward and back to center, I got too far back on my blade and down I went. I sat on the ice for a bit trying to figure out if anything hurt and since nothing did (except my pride because I fell on something so easy), I gave Dustin a thumbs up, got back up, and skated some more. He told me that my skating dramatically improved after that fall. It was like I had much more confidence afterward! Ugh, I'm just glad it finally happened and I can move on from here.

Spinz - I actually worked mostly on spins because it was a crowded public session and there were a lot of little kids with walkers whose parents weren't keeping an eye on. I claimed a spot near the center and just spun. For the sake of variety, I worked quite a bit on backspins and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I don't need to start from scratch with these. I was able to get 3-4 revs in the flamingo position and do an almost proper exit. So yeah, there's that :)

Jumpz - I did a couple of waltz jumps but I was in a lot of pain so I didn't want to do too much. These are just so tiny now. I have zero ups. I need to work on stretching more because right now, I can barely bend my knee over my ankle and I need to be able to do that to get a good take off and any kind of height.

Movez - Again, really crowded session so there weren't many opportunities to work on MIF at all. I did all four edges and waltz 8. I think the reason I fell on the waltz 8 was because I was too busy looking around trying not to run into anyone that I wasn't focused enough on where my body parts were.

I think it may be time to look for freestyle ice. The Sport Stable (where I broke my leg and where they had virtually empty public sessions) is no longer an option because they changed their schedule and now only have weekend evening sessions or REALLY early morning public sessions. I can't practice during a cosmic skate (nor do I want to) and I'm not enough of a morning person to get up that early on a weekend to skate on their crap ice (seriously, hockey ruts everywhere!). I might have to contract for freestyle ice with my home rink or with APEX when the next contract comes out. If I'm contracting, I might just get in touch with Christopher and tell him I'm ready for lessons. Eeeep.

Saturday Progress

Things are feeling better bit by bit and I am almost starting to reconsider having the surgery done. I went to Apex on Saturday and, while it was a bit crowded, I was able to work on some things and feel a bit more accomplished.

Spinz - Two foot spins are consistently getting 5-6 revs and are getting faster now that I'm more confident. The breakthrough with these was being able to enter a one-foot spin from backward crossovers. The idea of stepping forward and hooking the spin on my left foot was terrifying but when I did it, it barely hurt! And I got 7 revolutions! I was able to find my rocker right away! How's that for progress! I didn't dare try a scratch spin as it was too crowded. Maybe next time.

Jumpz - I can actually write "jump" in the plural form because in addition to the many waltz jumps I did, I threw in a side toe hop. I know, it's more of a skip than a jump but I left the ice for a split second so it counts. So yeah, I can do a waltz-side toe hop-waltz again! One thing I've noticed is that while these are tiny jumps, I'm more aware of my body parts (namely my arms) because I'm more cautious and taking my time now rather than just flinging myself into the air as I had previously done. While this is nice and I know that being aware will make me a better skater, I do miss the idea that I was unbreakable. I always knew breaking bones was a possibility, I just didn't think it would ever happen to me. Until it did. I guess I am a different skater now. This has changed me :)

Movez - I really couldn't do much in this area because there were so many people on the ice but hey, I'm getting really good at dodging people on a busy public session. Perhaps I might be ready to return to a busy freestyle for lessons! Anyway, I did many passes of FO edges and I'm feeling much more stable with my LFO edges. Since these felt better, I decided to try some backward edges. Oddly, without thinking about it, I set up for and started doing BI edges! And they happened! I mean, they weren't as lovely as they used to be but they happened! And these are my worst edges out of the four! SQUEE!

So, I'm making some progress here and I'm going to keep skating for a few more weeks and then decide for sure. I'm either going to commit to the surgery or I'm going to contact Christopher and tell him I'm ready to start back with him after the New Year. Maybe I can keep the hardware in and make this all work after all.

OH! And I ordered my RMFSC jacket! It's warm and pretty and the adult small fit me like a glove when I tried on the sample. Hopefully I'll get it before Christmas and that will give me the extra push and motivation I need to continue to work hard at recovery :)

Disappointment

A member of the clinical staff at my doctor's office returned my phone call about scheduling the surgery to have the hardware out and I was told that they don't feel comfortable taking it out until six months after the surgery. This means I need to wait until January or February to schedule my surgery. In the meantime, I will have to skate in pain because I really don't want to be off the ice any longer than I have been already.

Maybe I can get some padding like my coach suggested to help ease the pressure from my skate boot. Ugh, more setbacks. I'm really tired of this whole ordeal.

Experimenting on ice.

I went skating again this weekend. It was less painful than the first time and I was able to do much more but it still hurts a lot because of the hardware. I called the doctor this morning to see about scheduling surgery to get it out and am now waiting for a return phone call.

I think the biggest difference in my skating this time was more confidence. I'm still tentative and on the verge of a mini panic attack when I lose balance or almost fall but I am not as timid. I would really like to get that first fall over with because I know it will make me a little less fearful but I'm certainly not going to fall on purpose to get it done. So yeah, I was very careful this go around but definitely more speedy.

I did some forward outside edges and was able to do those competently. They still looked shaky though as I recover some of the balance in my left ankle. After doing several passes of outside edges I did a couple of waltz 8s. They were disproportionate and unstable but they happened. I guess that's a start. I wasn't able to work my way back to the center because my circles were uneven. Again, this ties into the fact that my left ankle is still so sore and unstable. The step forward onto my LFO edge is fine but the RFO step forward is really painful. Go figure.

Spins happened albeit slowly. I did some very slow two foot spins and a couple where I picked the free leg up to make an equally slow one foot spin. Ever since the surgery, I have not recovered sensation in the outside part of my left foot. The doc says it can take quite awhile for the nerves to regenerate so hopefully I will eventually get feeling back. In the meantime, it is difficult to get a sense of the where my rocker is on my left foot considering I can't feel half of it. I used to just put weight on my pinky toe but now I can't feel my pinky toe so...you know, crap spins.

I felt adventurous enough to try jumping. Mostly, I just wanted to see if I was too scared to jump after the last time jumping left me with broken bones. I did a (very tiny) waltz jump. Guess what? I'm not too scared to jump :)

Overall, it was a good practice. I'm still testing the waters so to speak and there is still a lot of pain associated with the hardware but I know as soon as I get it out, I can start to really work on getting back to where I was. One nice thing that happened during practice: a little boy was skating near me and he fell. As is my custom, I skated up to him to ask if he was okay. He said yes and got up on his own. When he was fully upright he beamed at me and said "you skate really good" and then he was off. It meant the world to me knowing that I can still "skate really good" after all I've been through :)

First time on ice....again

I feel like a beginner again. Today was my first time on ice for the third time. My first time on ice was as an adult beginner in Texas in 2005. My second first time on ice was back in March of this year when I started up again after a 10 year break. Today was my third first time on ice after a break of a different kind.

The fear of falling (and failing) was real, ya'll. I laced up my skates and stepped cautiously onto the ice. I clung to the railing at first and then let go to complete a lap of forward swizzles....tentatively. To say my left leg felt stiff is an understatement. But it didn't hurt. So, I moved on to some backward ccw half pumps in a circle. This is my good side so it felt fine. When I switched to my bad side (the cw backward half pumps) that's when the pain ensued. At first it was just sore and I thought "hey, this isn't supposed to feel awesome, just power through it." But then it started to hurt for real. I got off the ice, drank some water and had Dustin talk me off the ledge. I hated that the pain had me near tears. I needed to keep it together.

I got back on the ice to try some backwards crossovers in both directions. Again, the good side felt good but the bad side...well, we won't talk about the bad side. At this point it was excruciating. My left boot is putting a lot of pressure on the area where the plate and screws are and I just can't see how I'm supposed to continue with this hardware in. It's almost unbearable.

I spoke with my coach and we briefly discussed some alternatives such as adding some padding and that's cool and all but I think this is beyond adding padding. Right now, that part of my leg is bruised from the pressure of the boot. I feel like the only option is to have surgery to get the hardware out. I promised him I would try again but I'm not feeling confident that it will feel any better. As much as I don't want to have another surgery, I think getting the hardware out is the only option for me to fully recover from this injury.

But I will say this. I was BRAVE today! Everything in my brain said "the ice is dangerous, it will hurt you, stay away" but I refuse to give up on my passion. I will not let this be the end of my story. It's going to be a long and rough road to get back to where I was but it's a road I'm glad to travel down. I got this :)

Eeep

First, I went to a Halloween Ice Show at the APEX Arena on Friday evening and it was great! I love how it's a smaller club and everyone was involved in the process. The skaters were a delight to watch!

Second, I was toying around with the idea of going to a public session on Sunday to try things out. I re-laced my skates and tried them on. The left skate went on smoothly enough even though it felt really tight (I still have some swelling) but when I stood up...ouch! I walked around the apartment with my skates on for about 15 minutes and the pain didn't seem to subside. I was expecting my ankle to hurt the most since I have two very long screws there and it's such a sensitive area being just skin and bone. But it wasn't my ankle that hurt, it was my fibula where they put the plate/screws in. It hurt enough that I decided not to get on the ice that day.

I'm going to try again this week. I knew there would be some pain, but geez, I wasn't expecting that much. It really made me fearful for getting on the ice. Now that it's becoming real and I've been given permission to skate again, I'm scared of re-injury. This is just as much a mental hurdle as it is a physical one.

Final Update

17 weeks since the break - I went to my final orthopedist appointment today and I'm all healed! They took a final set of x-rays and everything has healed completely at this point. The doctor said "go skate."

He warned me that the hardware in my leg might start to bother me once I get on the ice due to how snug my skates fit. If this happens, he wants me to come in sooner rather than later to get it all taken out. He suggested November or December. With that surgery there will be a period of about 2-3 weeks where I'm in a soft cast or walking boot while it heals and then he said I'll need to do therapy that involves twisting action (like pirouettes) so that my bones know how to twist, I guess. Seems weird but he's the doc. I asked him if I should just leave the hardware in since it seems like my leg is now super reinforced and can't break again and he said that the bones are actually stronger than the hardware. The hardware just takes up space.

So here we are at the end of this broken leg journey. I'm excited to get back on the ice but I'm also pretty nervous. I know that first fall will be the scariest. I'm still not sure if my future in figure skating will contain jumps. My brain says "yay jumps!" but my body may say otherwise once I get on the ice.

I'm still planning on signing up for the advanced adult beginners class at APEX. I'll know for sure at the end of that if this whole skating thing is still a good idea. I really don't ever want to have to go through this ordeal again. It's not fun.

The plan

15 Weeks since the Break - Although I'm still in pain (more sore than anything else, really), I'm making progress with the rehab. I'm able to balance for long periods on time on my left leg, do a small hop, and walk without a limp. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I'm ready to get back on the ice.

I'm not planning on picking up where I left off, obviously, and I'm not even sure how my mental state will be once I lace up and get on the ice so I don't want to get right back into lessons with Christopher quite yet. I'm afraid of wasting his time if I end up too scared (or in too much pain) to continue. My plan, therefore, is to enroll in an adult beginners class at another rink. I really just want to start from scratch and work on the basics of skating for now until I am comfortable enough to take lessons with Christopher.

This will force me to focus on things like getting my edges (and my confidence) back all while being in an environment where the expectations for progress are kind of low. Basically, they won't expect me to be jumping and spinning at a high level anyway so I don't have to worry about not being able to do that right now. And I can go at a sloooow pace.

Additionally, I cannot fathom getting on a freestyle session right now. I'm just not going to be able to dodge upper-level skaters who are trying to jump and spin all around me. If I start back with Christopher again, I will either need to take my lessons with him during a freestyle session or during a crowded public session at the Promenade. I'm just not ready for that yet.

A new adult beginners session starts at Apex on November 4th so that gives me another 4 weeks to continue with rehabbing my leg. The class is an advanced beginner class that will focus on Adult Basic 4-6. Nothing fancy. No commitment. No disappointment if I am not strong enough to continue. Before I register, I'm due to see the doctor again so I want him to be honest and tell me whether or not this is a good idea. As much as I think I'm ready to get back on the ice, I don't want to do it if the doc doesn't think I'm healed enough. If everything goes well with the adult session, then I will start back again with Christopher in January :)

Update #4

11 Weeks since the break - I have been wearing this walking boot for four weeks now and I am at the point where I'm zipping around in it quite quickly. It took a while to get into a rhythm with it since it is higher than my other leg. It's like that feeling when you are only wearing one shoe and you walk funny because you are really off kilter. So, I have learned to walk with the uneven height. Yay! The problem now is that since I have retrained myself how to walk with uneven legs, I don't know how to walk when I take the boot off and my legs are even again. I have just started walking without the boot at home in the last week and yeah, I need to learn how to walk all over again. I'm wonky.

My foot and ankle are still very stiff even though I am doing the physical therapy exercises. So, not only am I having a difficult time walking with even feet again but I am battling the stiffness as well. What I think would really help is to get on a treadmill and put it at its slowest setting and just try to learn to get a normal stride back. This will also allow me to hold on to something while I walk and I can stop at any time once I'm tired (unlike walking on my own somewhere, if I get too tired to walk back, I'm screwed). So, I tried putting a shoe on the other day so I could make my way to the gym but my foot is still too swollen for shoes. I'll have to wait for the swelling to go down in order to go to the gym and work on the treadmill. Alas.

Anyway, I saw the orthopedist again today and, as per tradition, they took more x-rays. The doc says my bones are healed up very nicely and I am now officially approved to walk without the boot. Unfortunately, I still have to wear the boot until the swelling goes down as I don't have a single pair of shoes that will fit me right now.

I've been doing some off-ice spirals now that I can put full weight on my bad ankle again. Fun fact about breaking your ankle: you will have to learn how to balance on one foot again. It won't just come back to you. Try standing on one foot and notice how much work the muscles in your ankle are doing. They work hard! So I've been learning how to balance on one foot again and the time I'm able to stay upright without toppling over is getting longer each time. The spiral stretches help me get my flexibility back as well as helping with the balancing.

I'm still shooting for a January return to the ice :)

Update #3

Seven weeks since the break - So much has happened! First, I am now a Miller (yay marriage!). Second, I got the cast off :)

I went last Thursday to the Orthopedist and as soon as the doctor came into the exam room he said "So, are you ready to ditch those crutches?" Hells yeah I am! So, they sawed the cast off and took some x-rays. The bones have completely healed and I am ready for the next phase of recovery - walking! What's great about this particular doctor is that he understands the cost of physical therapy (it's a $50 copay each time you go!). So, after he put the boot on me, he gave me instructions for a physical therapy regimen to do at home.

For the first two weeks, he just wants me to learn how to bear weight on my left leg again and try to walk as much as I can tolerate. In two weeks, I can start the at-home PT. They are simple range of motion exercises that increase in difficulty and I am not to move on to the next exercise until I can completely perform the previous. This is where I think I will struggle as I know I'm going to get overzealous and move ahead before I should.

During the first couple of days in the new boot I could barely put weight on my left leg but now that I have had some practice, I'm able to do much more. Last night I even went up and down the stairs without crutches! I'm not saying it's all better now. It still really hurts but I see improvements every day.

I'm supposed to go back in a month so he can gauge my progress with the at-home therapy. I'm sure he will officially send me to PT if he thinks I'm not cutting it on my own but I'm determined to get it done without having to spend the money and time it takes to actually go to a special place for PT. He also mentioned that he expects that I should be healed enough to return to the ice in six weeks. Yikes! I just don't see that happening with how I am right now and I'm afraid of coming back too soon and re-injuring myself. I think January is a more realistic goal :)

Here are a couple of pictures from the wedding. <3

Things I've learned about being on crutches

I've been disabled for about 6 weeks now so I consider myself an "expert" in all things crutches related ;) Here's what I've learned:

Learn to accept help - I'm very independent and if I can do something myself, I will. Being on crutches changes all of that! I can no longer perform simple tasks such as carrying a cup of coffee from the kitchen to the sofa and, it never fails, as soon as I sit down, I will notice that I left something I need in another room. I have had to rely on Dustin a lot to bring me things, scoop the cat box, and feed me. The guilt is real! It sucks laying on the couch watching your significant other clean and cook and take care of the house. I want to help....but I can't. Honestly, though, if you have a good person in your life you have to remember that they really don't mind taking care of you and doing your share of things for a while. It's love, okay? You would do the same for them if the situation were reversed. Accepting help from strangers or coworkers, however, is a whole other matter. As an introvert, I tend to shy away from small talk and I would never dream of asking someone I wasn't terribly close with to do things for me. But you have to! You need to sometimes! Picture this: it's my first day going back to work after the surgery and I still have not mastered going down the stairs from my second floor apartment. My neighbor who had just moved in across the hall saw me struggling and sprung into action helping me down the stairs and making sure I was able to get out the door and to my car safely. Pride said "No! I can do it myself!" but common sense said "Oh my god. I'm so glad you showed up when you did. THANK YOU!" People want to help you. You need the help. Accept it. It will make your life on crutches so much easier!

You will have to tell your story over and over......and over again - On average, I have to answer the question of "OMG, what happened" at least five times a day. It gets old and it's very easy to seem annoyed and put off as you answer this question for the millionth time. And personally, I think it's rude of strangers to make comments like "Ouch! That looks like it hurts" because yes, yes it does hurt. It hurt a lot when it happened and it kinda still does hurt. So shut your face and keep walking with your perfectly healthy legs! Move on, nothing to see here! But I have realized that 1). people feel awkward around people with disabilities, even temporary ones, so they try to empathize with your pain and suffering by acknowledging your situation. Is it still rude? Sure. But I get why people do it and 2). people are just curious. Who hasn't bitched about drivers rubbernecking at a car accident on the highway and then slowed down yourself to make sure you get a good look as well? We all do it. As much as it annoys me, I would rather someone just ask what happened rather then giving me that "I want to look but I don't want to look like I'm looking" stare. Oh! and 3). people actually genuinely care sometimes. I know. Weird concept, right? They want to know what happened so they can think of ways to help you get through this.

Plan ahead for everything - Gone are the days where you can wait til the last minute, rush out the door, and expertly glide down the stairs to your vehicle. Say goodbye to sitting at your desk working on a project while your bladder is bursting at the seams thinking "it's ok, I'll just race to bathroom later before I explode, I just need five more minutes." Those quick showers? Gone. Everything you do now will take twice as long to accomplish because you now move at a snail's pace. Even getting into the car is an ordeal. I have to open the door, position myself so that I can get seated safely, lean my crutches up against the inside of the car door in such a way that I don't knock them over as I get in yet they are not too far out of the way so that I can reach for them to store them in the front passenger seat, and hope against all hope that the person who parked to my left didn't park too close so that I can even accomplish all of the above in the first place. Ugh, I just read that back to myself and realized what a poorly constructed sentence that was. But whatever, I'm injured. My brain is busy telling my leg to heal, okay?

Your body will change in expected and unexpected ways - I've been on non-weight bearing for the past six weeks. As a result, my left thigh has already started to atrophy and I can barely move my toes on that foot. I can't even muster a wiggle most days. On the other hand (or leg, rather) my right thigh is a BEAST! If I was capable of pulling off a back sit spin right now, I would have muscles for days and would probably be able to get pretty low. So yeah, needless to say, I'm...unbalanced looking with one thigh bigger than the other. Get ready to gain or lose weight. I ended up losing quite a bit for several reasons. I'm no longer physically able to get snacks from the kitchen and I have virtually no appetite. I was thin to begin with so now I just look, well, malnourished. Milkshakes and ice cream have helped put on some pounds but I still get the "wow, you're getting skinny" comments. You will be more emotional than usual. At first, I thought it was period hormones or just a mild case of depression given my situation but then I read an article about how the anesthesia from the surgery can linger in the body for weeks and make you prone to crying over almost anything. I am not proud to say that I have cried because of pizza, I cried at work, and I cried at a kids shoe store. Bring tissues, you will probably need them everywhere you go. Walking on crutches all day everyday for six weeks will kill your armpits! I cannot recommend those poofy armpit crutch pads highly enough. Also, if you can afford one, get yourself one of those knee scooters but know that it won't solve all of your problems. I can't take mine back and forth from home to work because it weighs as much as a small bicycle and is just as unwieldy and the turning radius on it sucks so, in order to turn around, get ready to do a 17-point turn. But they are fun (mine has a bell, a cushy seat, and a very handy basket which is a life-saver!). I keep mine at work and it has helped tremendously!

There will be things you want to do but can't now and that is super disappointing - Obviously, skating. Can't do it right now. In my head, I envision myself blasting through PT as their star student and making my way back to the ice in January ready to pick up where I left off. The reality is, you need to hope for the best and plan for the worst. By now, I should be in a walking boot. Instead, I'm still in this cast for another two weeks. I wanted to walk down the aisle at my own wedding in a couple of days. Instead, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I'm going to hold my bouquet if my hands are already occupied with crutches (this hit me hard the other day as I realized that I won't be able to even carry my own bouquet. Disappointment!). So, you can sit there and wallow in your sadness and I'm sure people would understand and sympathize. Does that help solve your problems, though? No. Look, this whole thing is disappointing. Nobody ever plans for stuff like this and when you realize that your plans won't work out the way you envisioned, you need to put your big girl pants on and figure out a way to make the best of things. Example, in addition to not being able to carry my own bouquet down the aisle, I realized that my fiberglass cast sticks to everything and it will act like velcro with the bottom half of my wedding dress. So I can sit back and cry about how I can only wear one shoe and my dress will stick to my cast OR I can embrace it and find creative solutions to the problem so that we can still have fun and incorporate this whole thing into the wedding (I'm going to wear my short get-away dress instead of the long one, I bought purple low-top converse to match my purple cast, and instead of a traditional guestbook, people will sign my cast). There is always a way to find the silver lining :)

I'm still going to have moments where I feel defeated. I see these moments especially cropping up once I start PT. But maybe I can look back at this and see the good instead of focusing on the bad. I've learned a lot in these last six weeks and I'm sure I'm not done learning life lessons from this whole ordeal. The biggest lesson, I'm sure, is that this is temporary! I'm fortunate that this is merely a setback and not a lifelong disability. I'm lucky that, eventually, I will be able to lace my skates again and get back on the ice. This is just a bump in the road. You know how they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" As cliche as that is, it's freakin' true! My motivation to come back from this is through the roof! I'll be a force to be reckoned with for sure!

Update #2

Five weeks since the break - Went to the orthopedist today in hopes of being put in a walking boot with partial weight bearing but alas, the stars did not align as such. They sawed off the old purple cast, cleaned me up a bit, took the adhesive strips off of the incisions, checked the incisions, and put another purple cast back on me. I'm super bummed. I was really looking forward to maybe being able to walk around without the assistance of crutches as well as showering without the over-sized plastic condom over my foot that I have to use so I don't get the cast wet. On a more personal level, I'm getting married on Saturday and I was really hoping to be able to walk down the aisle, not crutch down the aisle. Sigh...I go back in two weeks and, fingers crossed, maybe then I can get the walking boot.

On a lighter note, I put in my first two volunteer hours with the Rocky Mountain Figure Skating Club this weekend! Only 11 more volunteer hours to go and I can stay in "good standing." The Colorado Championships were going on this weekend at my rink so I was able to snag two hours at the "ways and means" table selling baked goods to spectators. It was an easy way to earn two hours but I regret not eating beforehand. It was all I could do to not plow through every single one of the brownies.

I was also able to spectate. I watched the Novice, Junior, and Senior Ladies Freeskate and it was lovely. It was actually the first figure skating competition that I have been able to watch in person and not on TV and it was almost refreshing to see that nobody skated a clean program. I guess everyone succumbs to pressure of some sort regardless of what level you skate at, whether it's falling on a jump or tripping over your toe pick. I got to see some of Christopher's upper level students skate and it was inspiring to see what I might become under his direction. He even made it up to the stands to say hello to us when he was done with coaching duties and it was nice to chat with him for a bit. I'm really missing the skate life :(

Update #1

Three weeks since the break - Recovery from surgery wasn't as bad as expected. Mostly I struggled with the fact that my body cannot tolerate any kind of narcotic. My doctor prescribed dilaudid and that worked well for about a week and a half until I got insanely sick from it. I've been off pain meds for awhile now and I've learned to cope with the pain in other ways (lots of books, cat cuddling, library work, and Netflix).

For the past three weeks I have been in a soft cast. This is really just a splint with some bandages wrapped around it so it's pretty easy to bump my leg on something and be in a lot of pain. Today at my first post-op appointment, they took the soft cast off, took the stitches out, took some x-rays, and then put me in a proper hard cast. IT FEELS SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!! I should also say that, when I was younger, I always kind of envied the kids at school who would occasionally show up with a cast on. I loved how friends could sign the cast and every time they looked at their injured limb, they are reminded of all the people who wished them well. I was oddly excited when the nurse let me pick out the color (purple please!) and started wrapping me up.

As far as the healing goes, the x-rays show good progress on the bone healing and the incisions have closed up well without a trace of infection. The one not so awesome thing is that my foot is swollen because I have not been diligent about elevating my leg above my heart. In my defense, it's really hard to do that when you still have to go to work and live a life. I can't just lay around all day with my leg up. I have important stuff to do ;)

I should be in a walking boot in about two weeks and then in a month I'm supposed to go back to the doc again but I cant remember why (I was too enamored with my new pretty purple cast-foot to listen!). I'm pretty sure it will be a final check up before he pawns me off to the physical therapist.

I think about skating every day. Sometimes it's hard and I need to force myself to stop thinking about it because it's kind of depressing knowing that I can't skate right now. In other ways, it's therapeutic. I'm trying to keep the patterns in my head and remind my muscles how it feels to land a certain jump or ride an edge. I'm hoping that I can get back on the ice by January. I know I won't be able to do anything fancy and I'll spend a lot of time just re-learning the basics but I'll be on the ice and that's all that really matters.

So yeah, I'm still hanging in there :)

Them's the Breaks!

Where have I been? I've been broken, actually. Like REALLY broken!

I went to the Stable on Sunday July 2nd for my weekend practice and all was going well. I ran through my entire MIF and Freestyle test elements several times and everything felt solid. No issues. After an hour of running through all of that, I started working on spins and jumps. I finally got more than one revolution on my camel and that was encouraging. I did some nice backspins in the flamingo position that felt spintastic. And then I moved on to jumps. I did several salchows that felt slowed down like I wanted and I had just started working on loops. I did a couple that felt really nice, like I had the free leg crossed in front and everything! I was lining up for another loop from backward crossovers and before I even left the ice for the jump, I heard a pop and then intense pain that had me writhing on the ice before I could even comprehend what happened!

I didn't scream out in pain or cry (yet), I just kind of laid there, stunned. People continued to skate around me like it's just completely normal for someone to be laying on the ice. Finally, a kid skated up to me and asked me if I was alright. I said "no" and asked if he could please get someone to help me. He left and again, I just laid there on the ice for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, a dad who was there with his son came up to me and asked if he could help me get off the ice. He tried to pick me up but it just wasn't working so he got a chair and brought it to me and, once he got me seated, he slid me to the closest entrance and got me off the ice. Mind you, during this whole time, not a single staff member came out to assist. I had to again ask someone to get a staff member to help me. In the meantime, I called Dustin and told him to come quick because I thought I broke my ankle.

At this point, the pain kicked in and I think I was starting to go into shock because I was getting insanely cold. Finally, staff came with a clipboard to ask me questions and fill out an incident report. Someone on the staff advised me not to take my boot off (Not like I could anyway. The mere weight of the boot alone was killing me). Once Dustin got there and we determined that there was no way to get me into the car to go the ER, I agreed to have EMS come and take me via ambulance. How embarrassing.

Thankfully, they gave me some super pain meds for the ride because I was losing it with the amount of pain. X-rays confirmed the breaking news (see what I did there?). I broke my ankle which pushed everything outward to break by fibula. So yeah, I didn't just break my ankle, I broke my leg as well and it would have been much worse if my skate boot hadn't kept everything contained.

I had surgery on the 7th with an orthopedist that just does ankles and I am now the proud owner of a newly rebuilt ankle and leg. The good news is that I will be able to skate again in the future (including jumps). The bad news is that it will take quite a while to heal from this. The doctor estimated that I should be able to comfortably return to the ice about a year from now (maybe a bit sooner if I am diligent with my PT).

I ended up emailing Christopher when I was in the ER and told him what happened and that I may possibly be done with skating entirely (I was on a lot of drugs and was feeling very doom and gloom). He was so kind and offered to stop by my apartment to bring some food that his wife had made for us just to help out a little. He came over to the apartment after my surgery and he was able to talk to me about some options for when I return (because I have now decided that I'm not going to let this break me (eh?)). He talked about the possibility of just focusing on MIF or switching gears entirely and working on testing through the Ice Dance levels, which I can do solo if I want.

I have a lot of support and some really good people in my life who are rooting for me. Skating is also my passion and I can't let this one event determine my future. I will rise above! So, this journal may be silent for a while although I may periodically post some progress reports. In the meantime, I will keep running my MIF in my mind and watch videos so that I don't forget anything. I also think it's helpful to watch some skating in person. I went to a freestyle session the day before my surgery just to watch and that reminded me how much I love the ice and how badly I want to return to it. I WILL BE BACK! Below are the before and after x-rays of my left ankle/leg. Enjoy!

Edit - So I know in the second x-ray it looks as though the one screw in the middle is floating. It's not. The doc screwed that one in from the back so that he could connect the two broken ends together. In other words, it's supposed to look like that ;)

Thursday Morning Lesson

Christopher got on the ice and showed me some clips from the Ariel Challenge that took place last week at the Broadmoor Open. My jaw was on the floor. Tim Dolensky is superhuman! I mean...what?!

We talked a bit about what testing will be like the day of. He showed me where the judges will be sitting and talked about what to expect if there is another skater testing their Moves at the same time as me. The judges will not be in the hockey box like I thought but rather up in the stands so I won't really get to skate up to them and introduce myself like I have seen others do on the tests I've viewed on YouTube. For the MIF test, I'm supposed to pause after each individual move, set up for the next thing, and then wait until they look as though they are done writing their comments. For the Freeskate test, I should expect to perform each element in the order listed on the judging form, hold the landing for about three seconds, present, then start transitioning to set up for the next thing. So, like 10 seconds or so between each element. We worked a bit on the presenting part.

After that was done, we ran the Freeskate in its entirety with brief stops along the way for corrections.

• Waltz Jump - Looks nice. Hold that landing for three seconds, step forward, present, and transition. 
• Salchow - I'm not checking the initial three turn and my arms aren't quite correct. After a strong check, my right arm should be back and my left arm should be slightly crossed over in front of my body. You'd be surprised how much of a difference this makes once you make these corrections! Hold the landing for three seconds, step forward, present, and transition. 
• One-Foot Upright Spin - Spin spin spin, landing position held for three seconds, step forward, present, and transition. 
• Two-Foot Spin - Spin spin spin, landing position, step forward, present, and transition. 
• Crossovers - 6 forward, mohawk, 6 backward, landing position held for three seconds, step forward, present, and transition. 
• Lunge - Hold a steady lunge for four seconds, get up, forward crossover, present. Skate to the judges, face them, and curtsy as a "thank you."

We didn't have much time left but he wanted to see CCW and CW stroking. These are fine but he would like to see more underpush on the end crossovers and more of a waltz count for each stroke. This needs more fluidity. I've been able to improve my extensions but instead of just extending and holding my free leg behind me, he wants it to be a bit more dance-like with constant fluid motion and extension. So, I got the extension right, just not the fluidity. Next he wanted to see my Crossovers in the Figure Eight. He advised me to make a bigger pattern instead of sticking to the lines on the hockey circles. Sticking to the size of the hockey circles is ok for a smaller pattern like the Waltz 8 but this move can be BIG! He even suggested practicing it in the middle of the rink so I can make it even bigger and fit in more crossovers. Some other corrections included more underpush on my CW forward crossovers and to more clearly emphasize the change of edge in the swingroll transition. Homework!

Wednesday Night Cram

The Sport Stable changed their schedule around again so I had to find another rink to go to for my Wednesday Night Cram session. I drove to the Apex Arena in Arvada and it was pleasantly uncrowded. In fact, it was so quiet when I got on the ice for my warm-up that I could hear the ice cracking under my skates. I'm not sure if this is normal but I have never heard it before and it was kind of unsettling to be honest. Eventually, a couple of hockey guys joined the session along with a younger girl who looked to be working on Pre-Preliminary (Yay, an equal!).

My goal for this session was to focus first on Pre-Bronze MIF and Freestyle and then with whatever time was left over I was going to dedicate to jumps, spins, and maybe some Bronze MIF. I feel like if I had to give myself a grade for my Pre-Bronze MIF it would be a solid B. I think it's above average but there is definitely some room to grow on these. I'm not worried about passing but I would really like to get these to an A- or a solid A. My forward outside edges felt really good! In fact, this was the first time that I could hear them rip! I was also getting a rip on my return to center on the Waltz 8. This is exciting! This means my edges are getting stronger (well, at least my FO are anyway) :)

Jumps were okay. I think I have been trying so hard lately to slow down my salchow that I might have ruined them? I don't know. They are just all over the place now. I gave up on them after a bit and will just let Christopher deal with it during our lesson tomorrow. Waltz jumps were comfortable. Loops are getting much better now that I'm focusing on my arms and making sure my free leg is crossed in front. When I do a loop as part of a combo, however, I'm still struggling with getting the free leg crossed in front. It's next to my skating leg in a flamingo position, but not crossed. I did some flips. They were not spectacular by any means but I worked on them as promised.

I had a really nasty fall while working on backspins. I'm getting more comfortable getting the rotations in the flamingo position but I know Christopher wants to see me do these with the free leg crossed in front. I tried it, I fell, it hurt. Some of my nastiest falls have been on backspins and back threes. It's just so easy to have your heel slip out from under you and those are the falls that hurt the most. Christopher is just going to have to be patient with me on these. I really need some time to get the hang of this (and maybe get some padded pants!).

I had about 15 minutes left over to work on some upcoming moves. Power Threes on both sides are feeling better although that step forward after the back crossover is a real pain in the ass. I did the Five Step Mohawks on the blue line and my good side feels good and my bad side feels bad. That's to be expected, I guess. Power Stroking felt rushed going forward, nice and easy going backward. I didn't do Circle Eight or Alternating Back Crossovers to BO Edges because I just didn't have it in me at this point. I wanted to go home and eat a cheeseburger, binge some Netflix, and cuddle my cat. I'm an adult and I can do what I want :)

Weekend "Practice"

So, you know what's super frustrating? The fact that you can have a really great practice like the one I last posted about and then two days later you can't skate. Like all of your skills are just gone. I fell while working on forward edges! What the hell? And forget about jumping. Spinning? A disaster!

I.can't.even....literally!

Edit: Ok, I've been thinking about this for a bit. It wasn't entirely a lost cause. Dustin went with me to Apex on Friday night and it was really uncrowded so that was nice. Because I wanted to impress a boy (I love you, Dustin!) I did plenty of Flips and he gave me corrections from the stands. I know he's not a coach but he still sees things that I can't. He agrees that these are not quite there yet but was proud of me for doing them. He understands the struggle.

Facing My Fears

Tonight's practice was all about being brave, confident, and sure of myself. My goal was to work on the Flip jump and if I fall at least I know I was brave enough to try. Before the Flip attempts, I wanted to make sure I was properly warmed up.

Movez: I took some video of myself doing the backward outside and inside consecutive edges. The lobes look fine and are of equal number (which is neat because I'm not counting them, they just kind of work out that way on their own!). I really do tend to pick up speed down the line and I'm not sure this is a good thing. Once I get about halfway down the line, things start to pick up and because of the increase in speed, I feel like I'm not spending enough time with my extensions. Also, I gotta remember head position on my back inside edges. So these are definitely passable but they still need a hell of a lot of polishing. I worked on the rest of my Pre-Bronze moves and there is nothing new to report there. I'm just keeping them under my feet at this point.

Spinz: I didn't spend too much time on these because the ice was so torn up from hockey. I was able to find some patches of ice that were smooth where I could spin. I was pretty proud of this nicely centered scratch spin!

Jumpz: I ran through my usual repertoire of jumps to start off with but I spent the majority of my time prepping for the Flip. I did many loops where I focused on my arm position (easier said than done) and I did the mohawk entry where I lift my leg into the "h" position and do a hop instead of the jump. After a good 10 minutes on this I attempted my Flip. It was scary as hell but I got around for a full rotation and I landed it! Following that I did Flip after Flip after Flip to just reinforce it and stave off that fear. They definitely deteriorated the more I did them but...they happened! My new short term goal is to get this to the point where if Christopher asks me to do one in our next lesson, I just say "okay" and do it. No hesitation! I know it's not a beautiful jump right now but I'm more proud of the fact that I said I would work on it and didn't make an excuse not to. I didn't let my self-doubt consume me. :)

Monday Morning Lesson

I hate Mondays. I hate mornings. I'm not particularly fond of Monday mornings. But, alas. We are on a different schedule this week because of the Broadmoor Open. I drank a ton of coffee before getting on the ice so I was adequately buzzed by the time I got laced up and on the ice!

Christopher got on the ice carrying the fishing pole harness. We talked about my Flip fear during our last lesson so this was in anticipation of strapping me in and hopefully getting me past that fear barrier. Guess what we didn't need to use? Yup, I was able to at least attempt the Flip today without the harness so there was no need for it. More on that later. He asked me what I wanted to focus on today so I told him I wanted to work on jumps and moves because, frankly, they both need some work.

• Backspin - I should have known this was coming. I was able to do some decent ones in the upright position as predicted but he would really like to see me performing this in the crossed-leg position. Believe me, I would like to see this too! The backspin is just going to be a thing I work on forever probably. Everyone has that one skill that is their nemesis. This is mine. It seems like no matter how many times I practice this, it just stays the same. Ugh. Stupid backspin!
• Loop Jump - The jump itself is fine but my arms are funky as hell! They should be in front of me in first position but instead they flail above my head. Instead of focusing on landing the jump, I need to focus more on where the hell my arms are during the jump. 
• Flip Jump - Do you see a pattern here? Backspin + Loop Jump =  prep for the Flip. Before attempting the Flip, however, he wanted me to just do the entry with the pick in and lifting of the free leg in the h position. We kind of alternated between this exercise and the loop jump so I can get a feel for how the Flip should be. And then....the Flip! It wasn't pretty but I was able to at least attempt some and I think I landed one or two sloppily. But guess what? They got done and there was no need for the harness. This is really just a confidence issue, I think, instead of a fear issue. I'll put this in writing now so I know I'll be held accountable for it: from here on out, no more of this chickening out stuff. I'm going to approach this jump with confidence and I will land it consistently! I CAN DO THIS!
• BO and BI Edges - I think, overall, he was pleased with how these have progressed. Of course, he still had to make some corrections to arm and head positions but these corrections are minor. Just polishing them up :) 
• Spirals - He commented on the progress I've made with these. Left leg spiral is still a bit weaker than the Right leg spiral but progress has been made. Huzzah! I'll keep working on this, though. I still have two more months before the test so I have plenty of time to get this to be as close to perfect as I can!

Weekend Cram

I was at the Stable on Saturday and Sunday trying to pack in as many skills as possible for my lesson on Monday. I devoted much of Saturday's practice to jumps while Sunday was mostly devoted to field moves and spins.

• Jumpz - I'm still not courageous enough to work on the Flip. I'm not sure why this fear is still lingering. I really hope it doesn't become permanent. Nothing extraordinary to report here. I basically spent the majority of my time on Saturday working on jumps that I know I will be tested on soon. Namely the waltz, salchow, and waltz/toe loop combo. I really focused on trying to slow everything down some and being sure to count in between the waltz and the toe loop. I worked a bit on the half lutz because this is a jump that I have been ignoring for a while. I think I'm getting on the outside edge just before the jump but I'm pretty sure it could be more of an edge. I looked at the tracing I left on the ice and it looked proper but whatever I'm doing, I need to think of it as being exaggerated even more and then I'm sure it will be right. Loops and loop combos are good. The loop jump is the only jump I feel pretty sure about. 
• Spinz - Sunday's practice was 50/50 between spins and field moves. I spent a good amount of time in the center of the rink really working on that backspin. It is getting better (slowly) but I'm only seeing progress in the upright one-foot position. When I cross my feet, it's a lost cause. I don't think I can feel comfortable in the crossed-leg position until I feel absolutely secure in the one-foot upright position. Baby steps, yes? Camel still only gets one revolution but on the plus side, scratch spins are lovely which makes doing a forward "flamingo" spin a breeze for the test. 
• Pre-Bronze Movez - Sunday afternoon was a great time to work on these because the session was practically empty. I made some real progress on my BO and BI edges with getting my head and arms where they should be. Because of this I tried some Bronze moves. I worked on some forward power three turns on both sides while on the blue line and then when those felt comfortable, I worked on them down the lengths of the rink. The purpose is just to get a feel for them. I know that they will need some work once Christopher takes a look at them after I pass my Pre-Bronze stuff. Forward and Backward Crossovers felt great now that I got the transition from forward to backward down. Waltz Eight felt good too. The pattern isn't difficult for me so I'm just trying to get it to be more "waltz-y". 

I'm at the point where I'm bored of the Pre-Bronze stuff. I'm ready to get this test over with so I can work on some new things :) 

Wednesday Cram and Thursday Lesson

Wednesday Night Cram - The Wednesday night session at the Stable was only an hour so I had to be strategic with what I practiced. It was also busier than normal. Seems like someone dropped off a gaggle of teenage girls (about 10 of them) and they were in groups of three or four holding hands around the rink effectively ruining any chance I could get to do any field moves. Because of that I was only really able to work on jumps and spins (I can't complain. Those need work too). Although I am getting a better feel for the camel, it is still only getting around 1 revolution. I do find that when I think of keeping my leg above hip height, like I'm doing a spiral, I'm able to find my rocker better. Scratch spins were nice and comfortable. Two foot spins are getting the required three revolutions. Blegh. Have I mentioned that I hate the two-foot spin? No? Well, I do. I hate it hard. Backspins are rotating but they are not pretty. As far as jumps go, I worked on the toe loop mostly just trying to slow it down. I did a bunch of loops, waltz-loops, and one loop-loop (tiny). I did manage to work on CW crossovers with the transition into the backward crossovers. I find that if I tweek my hip a bit, I can make the swingroll/mohawk thing work. 

Thursday Morning Lesson - Typically, we have our Thursday morning Freestyle sessions on the Blue Rink but since the 2017 National Pairs Camp is being held at the Ice Centre this year, everything got moved around. This morning, for the first time EVER, I got to skate on the Red Rink! I know this isn't a big deal to most people, but I've only ever skated on the Blue and the Green Rinks, never the Red. The Red Rink is a bit more closed off so it feels more private and there really isn't a lot of seating in there. Also, the ice is HARD! I did a warm-up waltz jump and there was just no give to the ice. On the other hand, my backspins felt really nice on this ice so, there's that. Since Christopher and I have been working on the MIF for the past few lessons, he wanted to take a look at my Pre-Bronze Freestyle elements. The test asks for two different jumps of either a half or full rotation. I've been having a difficult time deciding what I should do (should I play it safe and do two half jumps or should I go above and beyond and do two fully rotated jumps?). Christopher essentially decided everything for me and I'm okay with that! Waltz jump and Salchow. Bam! Decided! He had me run through the whole test. 

• Waltz Jump - Good. Maybe a little bit more height. 
• Salchow - Good. Maybe slow it down more. 
• Two-foot spin - The required number of rotations are happening. Maybe bend the knees more and bring my arms in slower. 
• One-Foot Upright Spin - I asked him if I should do a scratch spin or if they only want to see the one-foot spin. He looked at the rule book and noticed that for Pre-preliminary, one has the option to have their freeleg however they want it. For the Pre-Bronze, it just says "one-foot spin", no optional freeleg. So I did a proper one-foot spin in the "flamingo" position (that's what I'll call it from now on because I'm from Florida and I need to represent). I got six revolutions out of that before I exited. He was pleased. Moving on. 
• Forward and Backward Crossovers - I asked him if it needs to be in the MIF pattern and he said no. Just do the forward, mohawk, then backward. No need to be redundant and repeat the MIF pattern. 
• Lunge or Spiral - I hate lunges because I feel like they scratch up my boots and, believe, me, they have suffered enough through all of my falls. I was planning on performing a spiral but again, Christopher thought that may be redundant since that is already on the MIF test. Harrumph. Lunge it is. 

So, I'll pass, no problem. It's not the most exciting test in the world but it needs to be done in order to move forward. Speaking of moving forward, he glanced ahead at the Bronze Freestyle test and had me look at some of the requirements for that. Since one of the jumps can be a fully rotated jump of the skaters choice, I suggested the loop. We did a few of those and they feel comfortable (they should, I've been practicing them quite a bit). I need more glide out and he would like to see more cross in my legs mid-air. Something to work on. Then...the FLIP! I admitted to him that I have hit the fear wall with this again and haven't been able to practice it without chickening out. He's seen me land it before. He even passed me on it in our Jumps class together so I think he was a bit baffled about why I can't do it now. We worked on some half flips slowly and then moved on to a half-flip/loop hybrid. Because this is really a mental issue I'm dealing with, he suggested putting me in the harness for our next lesson. I get to go in the harness, ya'll! Another first :) Our lesson next week will also be kind of screwy because he'll be in Colorado Springs for the 2017 Broadmoor Open during our normal Thursday lesson so we switched it to Monday. That means I'll be cramming over the weekend rather than Wednesday night. 

Sunday Practice

I got to the Stable for my Sunday practice and the ice was AWFUL! It was super torn up from the hockey session before and, even though they zam'd the ice, it was still riddled with ruts and gashes. I did the best I could with what I had. I worked on:

MIF: after my warm-up I started with some stroking paying close attention to where I was placing my crossovers at the end so I don't "cheat" the move. I was only able to work the CCW stroking due to how many skaters were on the ice. I ran through all of my edges and the waltz 8 and those seem comfortable. I briefly ran through spirals but, again, it was busy so I was timid. Where I spent the bulk of my time was on the CW forward crossovers. I wanted to make sure I got a good strong underpush on these. Also, the swingroll/mohawk transition coming out of the CW crossovers is a mess so I spent some time on that as well. I'm not sure how much I improved but I know this is my weakest part of the crossover move so I need to pay particular attention to it to ensure it's done well.

Jumpz: I worked mostly on combos and sequences today. The waltz/toe loop combo will be on my upcoming Bronze Freestyle test so why not start to get comfortable with it now, right? I can land the sequence but I want to be more deliberate with where I pick in for the toe loop. I feel like I'm still toe-waltzing this. I also worked on the waltz/falling leaf/ toe loop sequence. I need to slow the falling leaf part down. In reality, I probably need to slow the whole thing down. I tend to rush through jumps. I should remember to count. I made some great strides with my waltz-loop combo! I feel like these are really becoming more consistent. The key is speed. Some things are just easier when you are moving at a quicker pace (think riding a bike in motion vs. trying to balance on a bike while it's not moving). Going into this combo with a bit more speed really made the difference. I think this was my "aha!" moment. It seems obvious enough but for some reason, the fear I had was making me approach this too slowly. I ran through a bunch of these just to make sure it stuck. Speaking of fear...the flip jump. Ugh. So, weeks ago I was so proud of myself for breaking through that fear barrier and landing my flip jump. I landed it several times in my lessons and even have a video of me doing one so there is proof that it exists. However, the fear has returned and I'm scared to do it again. It makes no sense. I don't know why the fear is back, it just is. I'm at least trying it, though. The weird thing is, I'm not two-footing the landing, I'm two-footing the takeoff. Don't even ask me how I'm managing to do that. What I need, is crash pads. I'm thinking of investing in some leggings with the crash pads built in. Maybe having that extra security will help the fear issue.

Spinz: Scratch spins are much better! I'm definitely getting better at finding my center. I briefly worked on camels and sit spins (which are more like squat spins right now because of my back). Those are...meh. I was able to find one tiny patch of ice that seemed smooth so I worked on back spins for a good 15-20 minutes. I have moments where I magically find the rocker and get 3-4 rotations but then I have those that I can barely get around one time. They are getting better but god, it's slow progress!

Wednesday Night Cram and Thursday Lesson

Wednesday Night Cram - It's amazing how much better one can practice when they can breathe. I found an old inhaler that still had some puffs left so I inhaled and then made my way to the Stable for my pre-lesson cram session. After my warm-up, I ran through all of the Pre-Bronze MIF (including spirals!) and all is well here. My BI edges still have wonky arms so I made a mental note to have Christopher fix this. My jumps...OMG, my jumps. They are missing. Like, they are just gone! I know I can do them. Did I not just spend an entire 7 week session working with Christopher on nothing but jumps?! But now I feel like I am over thinking everything to the point where nothing is really happening. I'm feeling like I'm actually regressing. Waltz jumps still exist but my loop, flip, salchow, and toe loop are MIA. I was doing them better when I didn't think about them and just threw myself into the air. Maybe I should go back to that? Spins are about where I left them. We won't talk about spins.

Thursday morning lesson - After my warm-up I worked on cramming MIF again. As soon as Christopher got onto the ice I pleaded to him to fix my BI edges. As I warned him, they are a "hot mess." So yeah, he made some adjustments. Turns out, it wasn't so much my arms that I was doing wrong but my head position. Who knew. Then he wanted to see my CW Perimeter Stroking since he only saw CCW last time. I thought I did well but when I finished the move and skated back to him he said "yeah, I wouldn't have passed you on that if I were the judge" (*sad trombone*). I was able to fit the minimum number of crossovers at the end but he wants to see more and, apparently, I took a shortcut and should have gone around the pepperoni dot instead of just inside it. I also finished on the wrong leg. Ugh. So, back to the drawing board on this one. Good news, at least my strokes were okay even though he would like some more extension. On to Spirals! Both are at least hip height so yay for that but on my left leg spiral (right leg in the air) he would like me to work on bending forward more (hello, fear!). We spent the remainder of our lesson chatting about testing and whether or not I should focus on just the adult track or just the standard track. Apparently, it's unheard of to test both tracks simultaneously. But, you know me. Ever the over-achiever! My main concern with the adult track is that, even though I know the tests are challenging, I know judges have lower standards for adults and are more willing to pass a candidate even if mistakes are made. I don't want that. I want to be held to the same standards as those who test the standard track so, for me, testing the standard track is a means of quality control to ensure that I'm at the same level as the kiddos. Christopher suggested sticking with the adult track for now and he will personally hold me to the standards of the standard track. When I pass Gold he can then work with me on Intermediate and above if I want to keep moving up. So yeah, I guess I can expect him to be super picky from now on and that's a good thing :)

"Take my Breath Awaaaaaaay"

Sunday practice at the Stable was unproductive at best. It wasn't so much my back acting up but the fact that I just could not catch my breath. After about an hour of practice, Dustin insisted that I get off the ice and go home. Part of me knew he was right, but the other part of me knows that I have a lot of skills that still need polishing and that I should stay to work on them. Dustin was worried so I left. Before my departure from the rink I was able to work on:

Moves in the Field - I decided to run through everything in order as if I were doing the test. I repeated a couple of elements that I wasn't entirely pleased with but, overall, I think these look okay.

• Forward Perimeter Stroking: Since the session was practically empty, I was able to do both CW and CCW! I remembered what Christopher instructed me to do and they felt pretty comfortable. I was able to fit in 3 crossovers at the ends now that I'm starting the turns at the pepperoni dots. That meets the requirements so I'm happy with that. 
• Basic Consecutive Edges: FO and FI edges are just fine. BO edges are much better with the adjustments to my head and arm positions that Christopher made. BI edges need work. The initial push is fine and I'm keeping steady with the power down the line. On my first run, I put my foot down so I did another set. These were better but I'm going to have to ask Christopher to adjust my arms on this one as well. I'm doing the move, I just feel like there is a better way. 
• Forward and Backward Crossovers in a Figure 8: I repeated this move a couple of times so I could get the timing right with the swingroll-mohawk transition into the backward crossovers. Since I have been doing it for so long on the wrong leg, it's a hard habit to break. Also, I was pretty scratchy on the backward crossovers for some reason. I'm pretty sure the answer to that is to bend my knees more. When it doubt, bend your knees!
• Waltz 8: This was another move I repeated a couple of times because I have to readjust my timing on everything now that I'm skating a bigger pattern at the hockey circles. It's getting there. 
• Spirals (X3): Yeah, I did these three times. The more frequently I do this, the less fearful I am. I also wanted to get both spirals to equal height. When I'm skating on my right leg with my left leg up, I have flexibility for days. Not so much on the other side, though. I either need to lower my first spiral or stretch out the other side more so that it's higher. But hey! It got done! w00t!

So yeah, that's the Adult Pre-Bronze MIF test. Will I be ready for an August test? I think I might be :) 

Freestyle - This is where I started going downhill in terms of stamina. Practicing my MIF winded me enough so I didn't have much left in me to really put in a good effort. I did some decent waltz jumps. I worked on slowing down my toe loop and salchow, but my loop jumps were a freaking mess! I just didn't have the gusto. Spins were abysmal. I actually fell on a scratch spin! I mean, that's a first. I just kinda fell out of it and my body made no attempt to stop that from happening or abort the spin. Geez. I was just wiped out and out of breath. This is super frustrating! 

"Old Lady Problems" Update - I went to the pulmonologist on Friday for the Lung Function Test. I should be hearing back from my doctor early this week about the results. Maybe I'm growing a tree in my lungs after all. I also went to the sports rehab place at the Ice Centre to get an evaluation. The therapist who worked with me was great. He noticed how tight my lower back muscles were and gave me some stretches to do at home until I come back later this week for more physical therapy. They also gave me some electro-stimulation and while that felt awesome (I almost fell asleep on the table), I'm not sure how much it helped. But, they are the experts so I'm putting all of my faith in them. 

Old Lady Problems

I've mentioned a couple of times here already about pain in my lower back. It's getting to the point where it's debilitating. In addition to this, I've been having a difficult time breathing (I'm completely winded just doing a waltz jump!). I haven't complained to Christopher about either of these things although I'm sure he'll notice soon enough, especially if he asks me to do a sit spin.

I went to my doctor last Friday for the back issues and the breathing issues. Because he suspected asthma (family history) he had me do a spirometry test to see if that's the case. Good news: I don't have asthma. Bad news: apparently I have the lungs of an 80 year old! I had to kind of laugh because I don't smoke or do anything weird with my lungs. It's a bit of a goofy diagnosis. Anyway, it worried my doctor enough that he referred me to a pulmonologist to have more testing done. Hopefully I can get this figured out so I can practice better.

With my back, the doctor prescribed me some muscle relaxers but that isn't fixing the problem so, conveniently, there is a sports rehab place at the rink and they are supposedly excellent. I have a consultation with them after the pulmonologist appointment tomorrow so they can look at my back and maybe find a way to fix me. I got nervous when the guy on the phone asked me who my coach was. I'm not sure I want Christopher to know I'm seeking therapy for my back. I don't want him to think I'm making excuses. Hopefully they can fix me soon so I can make some progress on things like sit spins and spirals and such.

So yeah, I'm broken in at least a couple of different ways but I'm determined to find a way to fix it so I can move on and continue making decent strides with my skating.

First Private Lesson!!!!

I had my first private lesson with Christopher this morning and I must say, it was really nice to work with him on non-jumpy things. This was also my first contracted freestyle session and boy was that an experience! In a way, it was nice to share the ice with skaters who know what they're doing but, on the other hand, I felt like everyone knew what they were doing and I didn't. I didn't have that sense of...I don't know, capability? Or maybe confidence! Yeah, I didn't have confidence. There were lots of younger skaters who could jump and spin with ease and here I am just trying to get by. I felt like a fish out of water. Thankfully, there was one other adult skater who seemed to be in the Adult Bronze/Silver range so there's that, I guess. I don't feel entirely alone. I do like the fact that it's like a cohort. I'll be seeing these same skaters every time I attend this session. So, eventually, I'll come to know them, if not personally, then I will at least become familiar with their faces and watch them progress alongside me. Neat.

Warm-up - I had 30 minutes before my lesson so I warmed up with stroking, slaloms, and backward perimeter power stroking. Then I moved onto edges, waltz 8, jumps, and spins. Everything felt pretty solid. When I practiced last night at the stable, I felt pretty off on a lot of things. But today I felt like I had more control of my body so I wasn't so...flail-y. 

Lesson Time! Christopher asked me what I wanted to work on so I told him of my goal to test Adult Pre-Bronze in August but I also said that I wanted him to look at my moves and let me know if he thinks I'm ready for August or if I should test later in the year. We started with: 

• Waltz 8 - He had me place it at the hockey circles at the end of the rink. This is a much bigger pattern than I'm used to! He also had me do intro steps and add a count to it to ensure that everything is pretty equal. I have obviously been rushing this during my practices because it felt as though I had to hold every edge for FOREVER! But the judges will be putting a special emphasis on edge quality so I need to make sure I am holding those edges long enough and showing complete control in all my movements. With these fixes in place, I'll need to change the way I practice this but now I at least know what I was doing wrong. And this is why I needed a coach :) 
• Forward Perimeter Stroking - We only did these CCW because of how many skaters were on the ice. First thing he fixed was my intro. I have been starting my intro at the blue goalie area but he backed me up a bit so that I can add more steps. More steps = more power and speed going into the move. With this move, judges will be looking for power and extension. I was ok on the extension, not so much on the power. He also moved me away from the boards a bit on this. I should be going from pepperoni dot to pepperoni dot and at the last pepperoni dot I'll start my crossovers so that I have room to fit 4-5 in at the end. This was something I have been struggling with! I was waiting too long to start the crossovers and was only able to get 2 in at the end of the rink. With Christopher's instruction, I'll be able to fit more in. And this is why I needed a coach :) 
• Spirals *gulp!* - So, you know how I'm terrified of spirals? Yeah, about that. In practices, I've been doing them in isolation and only on one side. I've NEVER practiced the actual full move down the length of the rink. But when Christopher said "let me see your spirals," I was like "sure, no problem!" like I do spirals all the time but in my head I was like Oh my Glob! I'm going to DIE doing this!!!!! So, it was shaky and I put my foot down on the right leg spiral but I did it! I made it the length of the rink switching legs at the red line and, most importantly, I didn't die! He made some suggestions and had me start the intro steps farther back like I did with the stroking. He also told me to remember to stay on my heel so I don't face-plant. And this is why I needed a coach :) 
• Backward Outside Consecutive Edges - We didn't spend too much time on these because time was winding down. He wanted to see where I was at with these. He changed my head position and added a scissoring action with my arms that seemed to make these flow much better. And this is why I needed a coach :) 
• Forward and Backward Crossovers in a Figure Eight - Only five more minutes left. He observed that my CW forward crossovers where weaker than my CCW ones (duh) but he gave me some tips to at least make them look prettier. Transitions were fine except I was doing my swingroll with the wrong leg during the transition into the backward crossovers so he corrected that. And, yes you guessed it, this is why I needed a coach! 

When it was all said and done, I felt pleased that I have some direction now. It was lonely trying to figure this all out on my own. I could do the moves but those little things like the number of intro steps, head position, and arm movements are the things that will really make the difference between just doing the moves and doing them well. I'm super motivated now! Yay!

Feeling Loopy

So, I'm in that in-between phase where I am not in my Jumps class anymore but I haven't yet started my private lessons with Christopher so I don't have anything specific to work on. Because of this, today's practice focused on stuff that I don't do well, namely spins and jump sequences that include loopy things.

Spinz - Scratch spins are progressively getting more and more centered albeit at a glacial pace. I am seeing progress, though. I've been starting to put my arms overhead during the spin rather than draw them down toward my pelvis and, although it's a different feeling than what I'm used to, I think they may look pretty decent. Camel spins are still about the same. I get one revolution but have no momentum to do any more than that. Sometimes I can eek out an additional 1/2 revolution but that's it. I think I may not have my free leg behind me enough. It may stick out slightly to the right which is throwing off my balance and forcing me onto that inside edge. Who knows. Sit spins were better. I was able to get 2-3 revs out of them but I know I'm not nearly low enough. My lower back is killing me though! I was at the doctor's office on Friday and he gave me some muscle relaxers but that is only going to help while I'm at home. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be wise to take those and then go skating. Backspins are getting there. I've been making more of an effort to do them with the free leg crossed in front but it's hella scary! I also did some two-foot spins, not because I enjoy them at all (I don't) but I need to make sure I keep up with them since they will be on the Adult Pre-Bronze Freeskate test. I cannot wait until I never have to do a two-foot spin ever again.

Loopy things - I worked a lot on the waltz-loop combo trying to get the feeling for landing with my free leg in front. These are getting better but are still not the best. They are tiny! Loop-loop jumps were tiny as well but at least they are happening. Waltz-falling leaf-toe loop sequence was super wonky. Christopher introduced me to this toward the end of our Jumps class but I stumbled through it....I'm still stumbling through it. The waltz-half loop-salchow sequence is the same story. I'm stumbling through it. I know this is something that I just have to keep working on. For me, it's just a matter of building up that muscle memory with that free leg in front on the landing position. Once I get that, I think I'll be on my way toward some decent jump sequences.

MIF - Yeah, I worked on this too. Everything here is testable (I think) so I have just been running through it at this point rather than dedicating too much time to it.

My first lesson with Christopher is coming up next Thursday. It will be interesting to see if any of my spins and MIF are actually in good shape or if I'm just imagining things.

Drunken Camel

I wasn't feeling very jumpy today so I mostly worked on spins and MIF. I'm not sure what it was but I just felt weak today, like if I tried to jump it wouldn't go too far. That's not to say I didn't jump at all.

Jumps - I did some tiny waltz jump loop combos to get a better feeling for landing with that free leg in front. Out of the many attempts only one of them turned into an actual combo. It is purely a matter of breaking that muscle memory in my free leg because it keeps wanting to go into landing position. I also worked on some half loop salchow combos. I'm really trying to get my salchow to slow down. I feel like I am relying too much on the momentum I get from swinging my leg around after the initial three turn. If I approach it from a half loop, it forces me to do a salchow without the swinginess. It was tough to say the least but it's a good thing to work on because I'm pretty sure somewhere down the line of tests I will need to do a Waltz-half loop-salchow combo. So, basically, any jumping I did today was to prepare me for that.

MIF - someone forgot to put the goalie nets away and they were too heavy for me to move so working on the forward/backward crossovers in a figure 8 was challenging. I still worked on it but it was wonky. I moved onto consecutive edges. The forward ones are just fine so I ran through them one time and moved on to the backward edges. I have really come a long way in terms of getting that initial push to be stronger (I had to watch a lot of YouTube videos!). These feel comfortable enough and they tend to gain speed the farther I get down the line but I would really like them to be of equal strength from start to finish. Finally, waltz 8. The move itself is not difficult for me, it's size that is the problem. Oddly, I'm a lot stronger on my bad side (cw) so the circle is much bigger. The left side is a regular sized pattern. Ideally, they should both be the size of the left side. So yeah, I need to rein it in a bit on the cw side. Because it was a public session, I didn't do stroking or spirals.

Spinz - To start off, I did some really nicely centered one-foot and scratch spins. Because these felt good today, I started working on camel spins. This is where the title of this post comes in. I get one revolution before I start wobbling. I figured I just needed more speed going into it but that didn't help either. I tried staying down in my knee for a bit before rising up...nope, still looks wonky. I'm not the best spinner and I have a tendency to get up on my toe picks during a spin so that could be what's throwing me off but I won't really know until I have Christopher look at it. I also worked on some change foot spins. They are super unequal. I can get plenty of revs out of the forward one-foot spin but then when I get into the backspin, I'll get one rev if I'm lucky. Also, I don't typically get dizzy on spins but changing from forward to backward is messing up my equilibrium something fierce. When I switch to the backspin, I'm already tipsy (which baffles me because I'm not changing direction, just feet. My body just doesn't like it).

I only stayed about an hour today before I wanted to just go home. I worked on a lot but I don't feel like I accomplished much. Meh.

Jumps Class - The Season Finale

Per usual, I spent Friday night at the Stable cramming for my lesson today. I felt extra cram-y because this particular lesson isn't so much a lesson as it is a test day. Eeep!

Nothing extraordinary to report about my Friday night practice except for the fact that my Flip decided to leave me completely and I got run over by a hockey player and really hurt my elbow. Although losing my Flip was disappointing, I was more upset at getting run over. It was a hockey coach working with her student who was skating backwards and wasn't watching where she was going. I wasn't mad at the hockey kid but I was upset that her coach wasn't keeping a better eye on her student's surroundings. I'm usually pretty good at avoiding people on the ice but this kid was skating backwards really quickly doing some sort of drill and, honestly, I didn't even see her coming. Just CRASH! The coach asked me if I was alright (I lied and said I was fine) but I feel like she should have apologized. Yeah, her student was skating backward, but the coach was skating forwards and should have seen the collision about to happen. Hockey kid wasn't hurt because of all the padding she was wearing but she looked scared like she was about to get yelled at. I assured hockey kid I was fine and packed my stuff up and left to go lick my wounds elsewhere.

Before the crash, however, I was able to do some spirals so there's that! One more thing to check off on my list of things I was scared to do!

Anyway, testing today. Apparently, the Jumps class is split up into parts. I passed Jumps 1 but I didn't do so well on Jumps 2. I mean seriously, it's a lot to learn in six weeks so I wasn't really expecting to pass anyway. My goal with this class was simply to get back what I lost over ten years of not skating. I would say that I not only achieved that goal but surpassed it as I have learned things during this session that I have never worked on before (such as the Loop and Flip jumps).

Oh! And my coach dilemma is finally resolved! Before my lesson, I spoke with Christopher about the possibility of him coaching me since I never heard back from Kelly and he said yes!!! I should have just asked Christopher from the start. He was the natural choice since he has already been working with me and knows what I struggle with in terms of skills. We agreed on a June 1st start and will have our lessons on Thursdays during the first early morning freestyle session. I had to fill out the paperwork to contract with the Ice Centre for those sessions and, once he signs off on it, it will get processed and I will be good to go come June! It will be nice to work with him on things other than jumps. I realized this evening that he has actually never seen me skate. Boy does he have his work cut out for him!

Here are the two "report cards" from my Jumps class with him. There was a lot to learn and I'm proud of myself for getting as far as I did :)

I'm Flippin' Out!!!!!!

Today was my second to last jumps lesson with Christopher. After my practice yesterday and my progress of pushing through a big fear with the flip jump, I was feeling pretty confident today.

We went through the checklist of doom once again to make sure I was keeping up with everything he has taught me so far. When it came to the flip jump, I told him of the progress I have made but that I am still two footing the landing. He asked me to try one and, of course, it was again two footed. He gave me some corrections (of which for the life of me I cannot remember now) but whatever he told me seemed to click because I tried another one....AND I LANDED IT!!!! YAAAAASSSSS!!!!!

Mouth agape I looked at him and asked "Did I just land a flip?!" and he said yes and gave me a high five! I turned to Dustin who was watching from the stands and he was clapping! He knew what a big deal this was for me. I've been obsessing over this jump for the past few weeks. Later, Dustin told me that a couple of the skate moms turned to him and said they were rooting for me. I guess the struggle was evident even to those who don't know me. Christopher was just as excited as I was and I guess maybe he wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke so he asked me to skate it again. AND I LANDED IT A SECOND TIME!!!!!!!

Hells yeah! I feel like I just won the Olympics!

*Achievement Unlocked: Landed Flip Jump on One Foot*

Friday Freestylin'

I love the Sport Stable because it is a shiny new ice rink but I hate the Sport Stable because they cannot for the life of them be consistent with their ice schedules. I went there with the intention to skate on the 4:00pm - 6:00pm public session (because it is relatively uncrowded and it's a steal at only $5.00) but when I got there, I was told that the public session didn't start until 6:25pm. Instead, they had a freestyle session going on currently from 3:30pm - 5:30pm. So I ponied up the $12.00 and skated for the remainder of the freestyle. Trust me, I like skating on the freestyle sessions much more than I do the public sessions but I'm trying to be conservative with my money. This is not a cheap sport.

My ultimate goal today was to at least attempt the flip jump and to tackle that fear head on. Since it was me and just one other skater, I figured that if I fell in my attempt, she won't really judge me. Besides, she was too busy worrying about what she was working on to care about what I was doing all the way on the other side of the rink. So, after a warm up of MIF, spins, and basic jumps...I went for it! I think I did about three attempts and all of them were two footed but I pushed through that fear barrier and that was good enough for me!

Since I was feeling inspired, I worked on some more advanced moves. Now that my forward and backward consecutive edges feel pretty solid, I wanted to experiment with trying one of the moves on the Preliminary test - the alternating forward three turns. Doing the three turns was cake. Getting the transition down from BI edge to FO edge on the blue line is a different story. Essentially it was a mess. But now I'm determined to get it right!

I'm also struggling with a bit of a coaching conundrum. Last week, Kelly from the Ice Centre skated up to me after my lesson with Christopher and agreed to coach me. She said she would email me with more details regarding her rates and available times. Toward Wednesday, I still hadn't heard from her so I sent her another email to remind her and see if I could get the ball rolling on this. I only have two more lessons with Christopher (our lesson tomorrow and the one next Saturday) and then I will be without a coach. It's now Friday and I still haven't heard back from her. I'm wondering if I should move on and consider other coaches or if I should wait it out. I don't want to be annoying and send her another email but I'm concerned about having a gap in my coaching. I really want to stay with the Ice Centre but at this point I may have to consider another coach from a different rink. I met Nancy (a coach of one of my skate buddies) during a Tuesday morning freestyle and she seems great. She has also agreed to coach me but going with her would mean joining a different club farther from my home. Another option would be to ask Christopher to continue coaching me but I am afraid of him saying no now because he may not want to step on Kelly's toes and take a student from her. Ugh. Why is this so tricky?

Flippin' Fear, Man!

My two hour cramming session (aka practice) was spent at the Sport Stable on Friday evening. I mostly worked on jumps and spins but I was able to squeeze in some MIF when the public session thinned out enough to do so. Overall, I feel like I made some slight progress on things (including BO 3 turns!). But one thing was holding me back....fear.

Let's talk about fear for a second. Ten years ago, I was fearless! When I had just started in Freeskate 4, my coach showed me the loop jump and, after a couple of attempts at the wall, I was comfortable enough to try it out on open ice. And I landed it! Now, I'm almost 40 years old and, I don't know, maybe I just feel a little bit more...breakable? I have been having some issues with lower back pain that was there before I started skating again and on top of that, I am scared of hurting myself so severely that I would need time off from work. With my particular job, that's not something that I can afford to do. I'm a solo academic librarian (emphasis on the solo) so if I am out of commission for a bit, who will run the library? A lot more is at stake now than ten years ago. This doesn't mean I'm not pushing myself. I am! But with certain things, I'm hitting this fear wall that I cannot break through. In particular, spirals and the flip jump. Spirals are easy and they are something that I was able to do well years ago. In fact, I used to get compliments on them regarding form and flexibility. Now, I'm scared of catching a toe pick and landing on my face therefore I tend to skip over them during practices. The flip jump is something that I know I can do (and possibly do quite well) but I just can't bring myself to try. My half flips are solid and have pretty good height. I could easily add another 1/2 revolution on to that and make it a full flip. I have been practicing the flip on the floor and am easily getting around. I've been doing walk-throughs of the jump at the boards during practices. So why can't I bring myself to try it on open ice?! I'm just...scared. I know that once I try the jump, the fear will be gone. But I just can't get past that fear. It's really slowing down my progress :(

The fear and apprehension was showing during my lesson today. I was very tentative on almost all of the things he asked me to do. Because of this, I had some pretty nasty falls. And I was falling on stupid things like backward to forward two-foot hops. I was just in my head the whole time and on the verge of tears throughout the whole lesson. Christopher assured me that it is completely normal to be in a "funk" and that even some of his more advanced students find themselves in a funk for a week or more but he says they always come out of it. I hope he's right and that this is just a slump that I will eventually move past. Right now, I just feel like this is something that I will be struggling with for a while.

On a good note! After my lesson, Kelly (who was my coach years ago from Freeskate 2) skated up to me and mentioned that she got my email asking her to be my coach and she would be happy to work with me again! She said that she could definitely work with my schedule so that we could have a weekly lesson during the early morning freestyle sessions. I'm waiting for her to email me back with her rates and some other information but it looks like I might have a coach and I'll be able to stay at the Ice Centre! This also means that I would be joining and representing the Rocky Mountain Figure Skating Club in tests and competitions.

So, it was a weekend of highs and lows. There were some good moments like improving the consistency of landing my loop jump and the not so good moments of falling on the easiest of elements. This just goes to show how difficult this experience is as an adult. Younger skaters, I'm sure, experience stumbling blocks with their skating from time to time but I feel like they can move past it and recover more quickly than someone like me. Le sigh.