Stepping away

I debated even writing a blog post this morning since my lesson today was so bad but part of the reason I have this blog to begin with is to record not only my achievements but also my struggles. I've been so much in my head lately this past month that I've just been really inconsistent with my practices. I'll have practices like the one I had on Sunday where mostly everything went well and then I have days like today where nothing seems to go right at all. The more I struggle, the more my skills deteriorate. It's incredibly frustrating because I'm doing everything I can on-ice and off-ice to improve. I'm using my practices wisely and working hard on the ice, I started ballet to improve my core and help me be more musical, I'm running, I'm stretching, I'm reminding myself to stay positive, I'm studying, I'm picking things apart, I'm slowing things down, I'm speeding them up, I'm running my program off the ice and on the ice any chance I can get. So why...WHY am I getting worse and not better???

Today before my lesson I had a good warm up and then then decided to run the program. I fell twice! Once on the sit spin and one more time on the twizzle. Both hurt more than they should. I worked a bit more on the sit spin before Christopher got on the ice for our lesson to try whatever I could to get it to work so he would have something to work with here. But no matter how I tried to hold the entrance, fix my arms, get lower, center...nothing worked. They just deteriorated more.

Lessonz - We started with compulsory moves. The back 3 turns were not placed were they should be, I replaced the flip-toe combo with a single toe loop, and the sit spin was a disaster. We spent some time working on the sit spin and he gave me every correction he could think of but they just are not happening. I was making such good progress on them about two months ago and then the progress just started going in reverse! How is that even possible? We moved on to the free skate and I put on the sash and just prayed to the figure skating gods to just let me have one victory today. It went ok. There were moments that felt good like the footwork but then there were moments that were just gross, especially the spins. I mean, the only good thing was that I stayed upright for the most part. He could totally sense my frustration and he really did try to pep talk me back to a better head space but I'm just so far deep in the suck right now that I'm not entirely confident that I'll be able to recover in time for the test. We ended the lesson with working on the toe loop a bit and then I got off the ice to lick my mental wounds.

What am I doing wrong here? This is the hardest I've trained since I started skating and the more I do, the worse I get. Should I be backing off a bit? Is this a purely mental thing? You know, with the whole ballet thing, I'm being challenged because, although it's a "beginner" class, I'm the only beginner. So I work hard during the week watching videos and practicing so that when I come back to the studio next time I'm better. Yesterday evening when I was at class, things started to actually click! Progress was obvious! So yeah, I'm just really frustrated that my hard work and efforts pay off in the studio but not on the ice.

I think I probably just need a day off. I've been working 7 days a week non-stop for I don't know how long and then I went ahead and added ballet to an already packed schedule full of on-ice lessons and practices. My body hurts every day and then I mentally beat myself up when things don't go right. I think I'll just kind of step away from this blog for a week or so until my test is over. Although it's therapeutic to keep records of my practices, failing on the ice and then writing about my fails probably doesn't help.

Ruh ROH

I got the day off from work today so I decided to drop in on a freestyle session at the Sport Stable. I never expect much from the quality of their ice but today the ice was pretty well maintained with the exception of one rough patch over by one of the hockey creases. Yesterday, I sent my husband to the sharpener (because I was at work) and told him to tell the sharpener that I would like my usual 7/16 ROH. However, the sharpener told my husband I really should be on a 3/8 ROH and so that's what he gave me. I was freaking out a bit because I'm not used to 3/8 and I have a test next week but as soon as I got on the ice I could feel the difference and it actually felt a bit better than what I'm used to. It's a bit grippier and much more stable so the sharpener was right! I should be getting 3/8 ROH from now on. I also have about 1 or 2 sharpenings left on these blades before they die so I need to make a decision soon on what to get next. I'm thinking of the new Jackson Legacy 8 since it's pretty similar to my Protegés but about 10% lighter according to the Jackson website (plus, I must admit they also look pretty snazzy). I'll wait until after the Colorado Springs Invitational so I'm not trying to compete with brand new blades. I think my boots could last another year so I'm not going to panic about those right now. I'll probably just end up getting another pair of Silver Stars since my current Silver Stars have served me well. If it ain't broke, don't fix it kinda thing.

Practice went well. I warmed up and then worked on edges a bit before focusing my efforts on backward 3 turns. My RBI 3 is really consistent now and the LBI has improved slightly so things are moving along. Once those were warmed up and I jumped around for a bit, I ran my new bronze compulsory moves routine a few times. This is getting better and I'm able to skate it with a bit more speed now but I'm still getting stuck on the back 3s as they just don't have as much flow as the rest of the routine. I think my anxiety about this part of the program is obvious and it shows when I skate it. I need to work on it more so that I'm skating it with confidence.

I was also able to run my program once. All of the elements got done and I ended on time with the music but I started my spiral a bit early and had a bit of a misstep coming out of it and going into the salchow. Not a big deal but it's something I need to clean up a bit. My sit spin got the rotations but it's still not nearly low enough. Sigh.

I still have 4 more practices before I skate my test for the judges (more than 4 if I can manage to drop in on a session or two and maybe fit in one more Sunday practice at the Stable). I'm not as worried as I was last week but I still have plenty of work to do to get this polished up enough for a pass.

Jump Theory, Jump Practice

I dropped in on a Friday morning session and it was lovely! A lot of the regulars weren't there (these are a few of the really little girls who lack situational awareness and always make me nervous). So, it was just myself and 4 other skaters and everyone was courteous and watched out for the people around them. It was refreshing!

After my off-ice and on-ice warm-ups, I started working hard on my free skate elements, particularly the toe loop-loop combo. I'm really excited for my sharpening tomorrow because these just feel downright dangerous to do on dull blades. I got through it, though, and there were even a couple that felt pretty good. The other element I'm really struggling with is the sit spin so I spent some time with that trying to get back the feel of it like I had a couple of months ago. Thirty minutes had passed and I felt like I was ready to run the program.

First Run Throughz - Ugh. That is pretty much all I can say about this. I flubbed the opening jump combo and it was all downhill from there. I missed almost all of my musical cues, the spins were crap and hardly a jump got landed. It was a straight disaster. I don't think I have skated that poorly in a long time. It was embarrassing. The music ended and I shamefully returned my sash. I spent the next 20 minutes working on elements in isolation and in larger chunks. I think missing that first jump combo was the catalyst for all of the suck. It had a domino effect on the rest of the program. Knowing this, I worked extra hard on that toe loop-loop combo to get it more consistent. Maybe it will have the opposite effect if I nail the opening combo. Maybe if I do that well, everything else will fall into place.

Second Run Throughz - My theory was correct! I landed the opening combo and the rest of the program was really nice (even the sit spin!). I felt in touch with the music and I hit every single element right where they were supposed to be! If I had skated this for the test, I think I would get a "pass."

So, now I know! I need to focus on that opening combo so I start my program off strong. That will give me the confidence I need to power through the rest. I did some more toe loop-loop combos before ending the session. I just wanted to leave on a high note so I told myself I wouldn't get off the ice until I landed one combo that was solid and had the free leg crossed. I finally got a really nice one so I left the session, proud of my accomplishments.

Yeah, I was proud of myself today! Lately, I've been really working hard on the ice, to the point where I'm sweaty after each session. I'm determined to do well on this test and work on my weakest elements the most so that they are strong enough to get me through the test. Speaking of the test, I registered for it yesterday afternoon so it's totally happening! Two weeks from today, I'll skate my heart out and show the judges the result of all of my hard work :)

Well, aren't we ambitious?

Last week's lesson was a total train wreck so I worked extra hard during my last practice to fix myself so that I wouldn't be as much of a train wreck for today's lesson. One of those fixes was changing my toe loop-loop combo in my free skate to a waltz-toe loop-loop combo. It worked on Thursday but today was a different story. Perhaps I got too ambitious.

Warm-upz - For my off-ice warm up I did some running, some stretching, and some walking. On-ice warm-up consisted of the usual laps, edges, circle 8, and backward 3 turns.

Jumpz and Spinz - I ran all of my single jumps and then started in on combos. The waltz-toe loop-loop was messy today but it was still okay enough for me to want to suggest it as a replacement once Christopher got on the ice. I'm overdue for a sharpening (I'm getting one this weekend) and it shows! My loops are skidding like crazy on the take off. Not the best feeling. Once I jumped around for a bit, I worked on spins. One foot spins seem okay but then I started working on the sit spin and that is still a hot mess. I'm really worried about testing this spin in a couple of weeks. Attitude spin looks great when I can center it.

Lessonz - My lesson started with me apologizing for last week's disaster on ice and I promised him that I was better today. I also suggested the waltz-toe loop-loop and so he asked to see it. It was mess. He said we better stick with the original plan, the toe loop-loop combo. He's right. We worked on some elements in isolation before running the program. We ran the program twice and the first time wasn't terrible but, oh man, the second time was bad! Running two programs in the span of like 8 minutes is no bueno. I'm totally not built for that! The first run through was good but I struggled on a couple of things. As a result, he had me reskate the sit spin (no surprise there) and the toe loop-loop. When I do the sit spin in isolation, I'm able to get one that's passable mostly because I am holding the entrance longer. But when the music is playing and I'm trying to hit my marks, I rush things and they end up looking hella sloppy. We worked a bit on that before I did my toe loop-loop again for him which was much better on the reskate. Moving on, he asked me to skate my bronze compulsory moves for him. I got through it. It has moments that are really pretty but then I tense up on some other things like the flip-toe loop combo and the LBI 3 turn. I traditionally do better in compulsories because there is no music and I can just focus on doing pretty things and I know I'll get there with this program but it still just needs time. We worked a bit on the flip jump before calling it a day.

I am registering for the Bronze Free Skate test on Friday and then in two and a half weeks I'm supposed to take the test. I've never felt so unsure about a test in my life! I mean, with the exception of a couple of changes in choreography and jumps, this is the same program I skated at Sectionals back in March and I wasn't nearly as terrified about that as I am about this. I really just want it to be over so I can practice all of this stuff without this deadline looming over me.

The Force Re-Awakens

The last time I was on the ice I was a disaster but I've had some time to think about it and work off ice to try to get myself together. I have to register for the Bronze Free Skate test by next Friday and then the test itself is in 3 weeks. This is no time to be skating so poorly. I got to the rink today with a new positive attitude and the determination to fix everything wrong with my skating lately. I have reawakened the force within me!

Off Ice Warm-upz - I spent a lot of time running, stretching, and flexing. I've been icing my right hamstring at home quite a bit and, although it still hurts, I can at least stretch on that side now without wanting to scream. Once I felt like I was limber enough, I made my way downstairs to get laced up and on the ice.

On Ice Warm-upz - Typical laps and edges but I've also been incorporating the 3 turn patterns into my warm ups. I made it down the length of the rink with my LFO-RBI pattern without a foot down and I was super proud of that so progress is happening! Yay! I tried to repeat that success with the RFO-LBI but I put my foot down on a couple of the LBI 3 turns. Still, it's improving, just at a slower pace than the other side.

Jumpz & Spinz - I ran through all of my jumps and landed everything which is much better than on Tuesday when I fell on almost every jump I attempted. In fact, my free skate jump combo (the toe loop-loop) felt so good that I decided to add a salchow to the beginning of it. That seemed to flow better than the 2-jump combo so I'm going to run it by Christopher on Tuesday to see what he thinks. I did some more loops, flips, and salchows before working on the combo from my compulsories (the flip-toe loop). This jump is happening but I have very little momentum coming out of it. I feel like I need to jump out more rather than up. Something to work on. Moving on to spins, I just worked on the sit spin and the attitude spin. Attitude seems to be better today than it has been in a while but the sit spin is just...gone. I think in my attempts to get them lower, I lost the the feel of the rotations. If I attempt a lower position, the spin just goes to hell but if I just get as low as I'm comfortable with (which admittedly is not very low at all), the rotations happen. It's like I just can't have both. I definitely feel like if there is one element from the free skate test that the judges won't pass me on, it will be this. I'll just keep working on it but man, there is not a lot of time left. I'm just not the best spinner.

Programz - Because I promised Christopher I would run my program in practices with the music, I brought my CD out to the ice and, once I was properly warmed up, I went to go get the sash on. Except...the ice monitor was gone! Luckily, my friend Carl was willing to press play for me but I felt bad taking him away from what he was working just to do me a favor. Anyway, I got the sash on, the music started, and off I went. I decided to try adding the salchow-toe loop-loop combo to see how it would fit in the program and it works well, actually! I didn't forget the footwork sequence this time (yay!) but it wasn't placed where it should have been (boo!). That's a minor fix. Basically, jumps got landed, spins were spun, and I ended on time with the music. The only thing that was not test-worthy was the quality of my sit spin. I'm just really worried about it now. Sigh. When I was done, I thanked Carl again and then started in on my compulsory moves.

Compulsoriez - I'm still struggling with the back 3s, particularly the left one. The sit spin was gross and the flip-toe combo was weak. However, all of the in-between elements were pretty and I felt awesome doing them. I won't be judged on the in-between stuff, though, so if I'm going to compete with this in about a month and a half, I really need to get everything at the same level.

Overall, it was a really productive practice. I don't normally get hot and sweaty when I'm working on the ice but today I did so I know I was working my ass off today. Mentally, this was just what I needed. I feel a bit more confident now. Physically, I'm hurting. I'm actually thankful that I'm not back on the ice until Tuesday because between ballet kicking my ass, Tuesday morning's fall extravaganza, and today's effort on the ice, I kinda feel like a truck hit me and that my bones are on the verge of disintegrating. I feel like a walking bruise :(

A Montage of Fails

Ok, so you know how in virtually every sports movie there's always a montage of that person's fails before they start getting their shit together and start kicking ass? That's me lately! Except I'm still waiting for the "kicking ass" part. Today's lesson was just...so bad. I had some pretty awful falls and I hurt all over. Part of me wishes it was all caught on film so I can create that montage but then I also think I would be too embarrassed to watch it. Ugh.

Warm-upz - For my off-ice warm-ups, I ran a bit and then did some of the stretches I've been learning in my ballet class using the railing on the upper level of the rink as my barre. Once I got on the ice, it was the usual laps, edges, and some old moves in the field.

Bronze Movez - Not a lot of time spent on this. I really just worked on the FO-BI 3 turn pattern to get those turns warmed up in preparation for my compulsory moves. I'm still struggling with consistency on the RFO-LBI 3 turns but once I remembered to turn my head along with my shoulders, things started to improve a bit.

Compulsoriez - I didn't run the whole thing because I got really focused on my jumps. They are just so terrible as of late you would think I have never jumped before. I feel like because I'm learning so many new things with Silver Moves, Bronze Compulsories, and Bronze FS I'm just falling apart skill-wise. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by all of this and it's stressing me out?

Lessonz - I already determined that I wanted Christopher to look at my jumps today because I am having such a hard time linking jumps together in combination and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. These are all jumps I know how to do on their own but they are just not happening in combo. So we started by looking at the 3-jump combo from my free skate (waltz-toe loop-loop) and I fell. So he changed it to a waltz-toe loop...and I fell. Then he changed it to a salchow-toe loop-loop...and I fell. I think we tried 20 billion combinations of jumps before settling on one that I could actually land; a toe loop-loop. With that settled, we spent some time trying to get my free leg crossed in front for the loop part of the combo. Minimum success here but at least I stayed upright for the most part. Then he wanted to see it in the program so I got the sash on and warned him that it's been a couple of weeks since I ran the program last. I didn't want him to be blindsided by the suck that was about to happen. Surprisingly, I got through the program without a fall and ended on time. It was just really sloppy and I forgot the footwork sequence. He said if I'm testing this thing next month I really need to be better about running it in practices. I promised him I would because, at the rate I'm going, there is no way I will pass Bronze FS in a matter of weeks. We worked a bit on the entrance to the spin before calling it a day.

This was a really bad day on the ice. I'm really thankful that he is so patient with me when I'm unable to be patient with myself. I was clearly frustrated with my skating today and the more frustrated I became, the worse my skating was. I really hope this is just a funk I'm going through and my next practice is better but I'm feeling pretty low about things right now. Sigh.

All aboard the struggle bus!

Ok, this new Bronze Compulsory Moves routine is gorgeous but man, the struggle is real! I feel like once I get everything up to speed and under control, I'll be a force to be reckoned with but, for now, I'm just doing my best to stay upright.

Warm upz - I did my usual laps and edges and then spent some time working on FO-BI 3 turn patterns on both sides so I can practice them safely in the routine later. My good side (LFO-RBI) actually feels pretty good. Dare I say...comfortable. The bad side (RFO-LBI) is still hit or miss. The LBI 3 turn is getting around about 50% of the time so I need to work on more consistency with this. I know I can do the turn but I have moments when, right before the turn, anxiety creeps in. Those are the times when the turn doesn't make it around. When I clear my mind, relax, and remember how all the various parts of my body need to move in harmony with each other to make the turn happen, it goes well.

Jumpz & Spinz - I ran through all of my single jumps in order of difficulty before moving on to jump combos. I'm having a difficult time adding the toe loop into these combos. I'm cheating them every time. I even slowed it way down and they were still meh. I'm stressing out so much about the toe loop that any jump that goes before it goes to hell. The flip-toe combo is now a complete disaster. Both jumps on their own feel fine but put them together and things get messy. I'll have Christopher work with me on these on Tuesday. Outside of the BI 3 turns, the jump combo is the thing I'm worrying about the most in the Compulsory Moves routine. I spent some time on spins, including working on the backspin from a standstill. Little improvement here but things got worked on.

Compulsory Movez - Now that we have the choreography complete, I ran through the whole thing multiple times from start to finish. I didn't worry about fitting everything into the time limit as I just wanted to make sure I got the choreography correct and that I added some of those elegant ballet-like flourishes Christopher showed me. I have two more months to get this up to speed so it's okay to go slowly right now. I really like how this routine makes use of the entire surface (or at least the entire half of the rink since it will be performed on half ice). This is going to be really nice once I get comfortable with it. The elements in order of appearance are:

• Single Salchow
• RBI 3 turn
• LBI 3 turn
• Spiral sequence (RFO spiral - mohawk - LBI catch foot spiral)
• Flip-toe combo
• Sit spin

There are lots of really pretty movements as transitions to each of the above and I'm really glad I decided to start fresh with a new routine. I love this one!

Balletz - I've been practicing my positions and studying up on my french ballet vocabulary so I won't feel as lost when I go in for my next class. Even though I have only had the one ballet class so far, it has already made me more aware of my body as I move around the ice. I'm paying more attention to the littlest things like how my hands and head are positioned and whether or not my hips are turned out. I can definitely see how all of this will improve my skating down the road!