Well, I did....but I didn't

Early morning practice today and for once I wasn't cursing life when my alarm went off at 5:00am. I was actually pretty excited to get on the ice and work on the flip jump since I was able to do a bunch of them on Saturday. I felt empowered and capable. Well, guess what? I got on the ice and later in the session once I was warmed up, I...couldn't. I am so freaking disappointed in myself. Later, when I had less than 10 minutes left in the session I forced myself to work on them but every one I did was timid and two-footed. What's wrong with me????

Movez - I worked on other stuff too so things got done other than my jump failures. My circle 8 is looking really good lately. I feel like I have more control over the LFO edge now and my circles are evening out in size. Progress! I ran the other Bronze moves but spent some time on the power 3 turns because I have some fear issues on those as well. They are feeling more comfortable and less scary. I just need to work on better flow. I also noticed that I don't have a good side or a bad side with these. They are pretty equal in terms of skill.

Spinz - I wasn't as centered today as I have been during my last couple of practices but I was still more centered than usual. I started off with the attitude spin with a higher free leg and then spent some time on the sit spin. I actually had one sit spin that I had to abort because it got really speedy once I got into position. I was down more but I also angled my free leg differently and somehow that caused more speed? Yikes. I shouldn't have aborted as it was a really nice sit spin (for me) but again, I let fear call the shots. Stupid brain. I did some two-foot psuedo-laybacks just to say I did. This is going to take a lot of time. It's such an awkward feeling.

Jumpz - As usual, I ran through all of my program jumps but spent the majority of my time skating in circles trying to talk myself out of the flip fear. I even tried to pretend that Christopher was there so that I would have enough confidence to attempt some. That didn't work either. This is such a weird and unnecessary psychological thing. It makes no sense. I have done much scarier things! So stupid. Anyway, once I had about 10 minutes left I was getting pretty angry with myself for not trying. I made a commitment to work on it at every practice whether Christopher is there or not. I had to at least try, right? So I did and I hesitated on every.single.one! Because of the hesitation going into the jump, I wasn't fully committed and I two-footed every.single.landing. I don't know what's going on or why this is so debilitating. I mean, I'm not scared of falling because I fall on jumps all the time. I'm not scared that it will look messy because of course it will. All jumps do when you are learning them. If I could identify the cause of the fear I could at least try to fix it. How am I able to do them when my coach is there but balk when he's not?? So yeah, I worked on them and I know that even attempting them on my own is still progress but I'm still really frustrated with myself.

I know I need to remind myself of all of the scary things I've survived in my life up until now. I am braver than I think and I've overcome every challenge put in my path so far. It's just that sometimes courage is no match for the little voice in my head that keeps repeating "you can't."