Lesson today! Christopher is busy performing in a ballet so he arranged a substitute coach to work with me so I don't miss a lesson. It was the same substitute coach from last time. Guys, I think I need to tell him that I don't want to work with her again. I'm not sure how to talk to him about this because I know he seems to like her and I'm sure she's great with the younger students but I really don't work well with her. She just doesn't "get" adults (or, at the very least, just doesn't get me).
Earlier this week, I really battled through some of the fear I've been struggling with on the flip jump and felt like I made some progress. Today, however, my inability to do this jump came back. In fact, my ability to do any jump, really, left me. It just wasn't a good day for jumps. Usually when this happens, I work on field moves or spins instead. If jumps aren't happening, I'm not going to try to force them to happen. I don't want to get hurt again.
So, when she got on the ice, we started right away with the flip jump because that's what Christopher told her we should be working on. I told her that my jumps were not good today but agreed to work on the flip because I know I can't avoid it. It needs work. She had me start with some flip prep exercises. These are the ones I've been working on with Christopher - a half-flip that does a hop instead of rotate so I can get the feel of getting my free-leg in the "h" position. I did a few of these and when I skated back to her she said "You know that's not a flip, right?" I mean, yeah, you asked to see the flip preps, that's what I gave you. So, she made me feel stupid for doing the thing she asked me to do. So, fine, we moved on to actual flip jumps. She criticized where I was placing them on the ice and, I get it, I know that certain jumps are done in certain parts of the rink but I'm learning this right now. Does it matter if I fall here or fall over there? I'm not doing them at full speed yet or even as part of a program. I'm really just focusing on the mechanics of the thing.
After several attempts and no actual landings of this jump, I finally said "I don't think this is going to happen today" and she said "Let's talk about negative self talk and how if you say it's not going to happen, it won't." This....really made me angry! I don't give up and I hate that she got that impression of me based off of something I said out of frustration. How long have I worked on getting the LFO edge on my circle 8? How long have I been working on this stupid flip jump trying to battle a fear that makes no sense? I'm allowed to get frustrated but I NEVER GIVE UP!
Our whole lesson was a disaster. I felt like she was talking down to me and didn't give me any real techniques that would help with the things I'm struggling with. This is my second time working with her and I thought maybe during our first lesson we just didn't click and I should give her a second chance, right? Yeah, it's not going to happen again. I went from being so proud of myself for the progress I've made on the flip and the circle 8 to feeling worthless. You know, after my lessons with Christopher, I feel empowered and it gives me motivation to keep working through some of these problem areas. If she were my full-time coach, I think I would eventually quit. She killed my spirit :(
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