Soul Tired

 I worked hard this weekend leading up to my lesson but I still feel drained. I'm motivated but the spark is gone. I still love skating but the fire is dull right now. I know this is just the result of grieving and that, with time, it will get better but it's hard. All of it is hard. I spoke to my husband about how I've been feeling lately and he used the term "soul tired" and I can't think of anything more fitting. That's exactly how I feel - soul tired.

Moves - My test is fast approaching so I'm working hard trying to get things more consistent. I feel like I made some slight improvement on my forward power pulls. Since my pulls are lacking power, I figured that if I add more speed, it gives the illusion of power (and it also makes things easier kind of like how balancing on a bike is easier when you're moving). So, when I start this move, I put my all into building as much speed as possible going around the bend to the axis. The more speed I gather, the easier the move is. I also worked a bit on the 8 step mohawks since this is another of my weaker moves. I focused on getting the rhythm and cadence down as well as coordinating my arms with the turns and steps. If I had to grade myself on Silver Moves as a whole, I think I would give myself a C-. It has moments where it looks great (hello spirals) and moments that are really weak (power pulls and 8 step mohawks) so I think it all averages out to a low C. It's passing, but just barely. Add in nerves on test day and it doesn't bode well for me. I need to bump it up and soon!

Program - I ran the program and just wasn't finishing on time. The music stops just as I'm winding up for the final layback spin. This is really frustrating and could result in a deduction if I compete with it like this. The good news is that I'm getting the jumps landed. I even went into the Lutz-Toe combo with some more speed than usual. It would be an edge call but it happened and that's progress!

Lesson - Since Christopher caught me working on the back 3s, that's what we started with. We broke out my theraband and he had me do several patterns holding it out and down in front of me to make sure my arms are stable and that they are checking the turns. My biggest issue with these turns isn't the turns themselves, it's the lack of control with my upper body after the turn. This is particularly a problem with the FI-BO turns. Once I get that under control, these patterns will look really nice, I think. We moved on to the 8 Step Mohawk pattern and he took video to show that on the ccw circle, I'm leaning just slightly on an inside edge when I do the outside mohawk. This creates a subcurve within the curve and it looks messy. This isn't the case going the other direction so it really is just a bad side vs. good side issue but it could be noticeable enough to the judges to result in a low score. Finally, we ran the program. I admitted that it was a mess to prepare him for the suck that was about to happen. Again, as expected, I finished late. But, more than that, he noticed that I got the end choreography wrong. I've been working on it all weekend but I've been working on my version of what I remembered and not the version he actually gave me. In my defense, we worked on it during the last few minutes of my lesson last week so I'm not surprised I remembered it wrong now that I think of it. I'm just annoyed at myself for wasting time working on the wrong thing. I wasn't too far off so it's an easy fix. He also changed a bit at the end of my step sequence to buy me a couple more seconds of time leading into my loop jump. Nothing major, just turning to the right instead of the left. We ran the program one more time and I finished late again. I was disappointed but he reminded me that I'm still making good progress on it and that there were really nice moments in it that I'm not seeing because I'm too focused on what I'm doing wrong. 

I got home after my lesson and I cancelled my evening Pilates class. I just want to exist for a bit without having to do stuff. Normally, "stuff" is a nice distraction but I'm feeling pretty fragile lately. I need rest mentally and physically. My husband and I have a small trip planned so that should help. Until then, I just keep moving along.